The Georgetown Heckler

News | April 30, 2017

“No Handouts” College Republican Spotted Taking Hoyas for Choice Condoms


NEW SOUTH – According to multiple sources, noted campus Republican Jimmy “No Handouts” Irving was spotted taking condoms from Hoyas for Choice.

Responding to multiple allegations that Jimmy had brung a girl back to his room, Jimmy claimed, “I don’t really know how it happened, but 20 minutes later she was asking if I had a condom.” His female companion that evening, who has asked to remain nameless, describes what ensued: “he kind of lept off the bed and began frantically searching through his drawers, but all he could find were old Romney campaign pins and ironic Reagan Bush ’84 bumper stickers.”

Witnesses then reported seeing Jimmy sprinting down the hall, stopping for a few seconds in front of the brown folders containing Hoyas for Choice condoms. “They were really my only option at that point,” said Jimmy, who just this past week had spent class time debating his peers about the role of government in healthcare. Sources inside the class described Jimmy’s ideas towards birth control as “arcane” and “somewhat alarming”, and according to one student “he doesn’t think government should give out condoms to anyone, especially in inner cities.”

When asked whether or not it was worth betraying his values to save his sexual encounter, Jimmy replied “absolutely.” When our reporters asked the same question to his mystery female friend, she declined to comment.