The Georgetown Heckler

News | May 2, 2017

Russian Hacker Never Meant to Distract from Crumbling Democracy


MOSCOW – After some brief meddling in foreign political affairs, Russian Hacker Alexander Nikolov explained that he just wanted to see some cool things happen, and never thought he would distract 300 million Americans from the fact that they live in a broken system.

“All I thought was that it would be funny to watch the Americans deal with a shitty leader too. But now with everyone questioning what democracy even is and nationalist fronts rising, I don’t know if that was a great way to spend a Thursday,” quoted Nikolov, nervously clicking away a keys.

Nikolov’s tampering in the United States election may have cost the Democrats a victory and led to a rise of an extremely unusual, and possibly dangerous, candidate, but Nikolov explained it was just a dare by from other intelligence officers.

“We all thought everyone would see right through it! Clearly something is wrong with the system, and rather than open their eyes, they turned on each other! Americans are dense,” continued Nikolov.

At press time, Nikolov was considering following through on a bet to discredit Chinese President Xi Jinping, but decided to take a nap instead.