The Georgetown Heckler

News | September 4, 2017

GUSA Finally Bridges Upper-Middle, Upper Class Divide With Bougie Discount Cards


GEORGETOWN, D.C. – After vowing to make affordability a pillar of their administration, GUSA Executives Mack and Andino have finally started bridging the widening economic gap between upper-middle, and upper class students.

Not wanting any student with already a moderate amount of wealth to not get the full, height-of-luxury Georgetown experience, GUSA has released discount cards focusing on making preppy clothing, spa days, cocktails and hair salons just barely more affordable.

“For far too long have upper-middle class students looked longingly from their nice desk chairs at the upper class students’ even nicer desk chairs. It’s time we, as a proud student government, take action in ensuring that every student whose guardians can retire before 60 has a similar, inclusive experience,” stated GUSA President, Kamar Mack.

The discount cards feature a variety of just-slightly-too-expensive-to-justify locations around Georgetown, including Pinstripes, Vineyard Vines, Corepower Yoga, and Glow Tanning. The cards target students who couldn’t afford a $300 jacket from Club Monaco but could splurge if there was a sale.

“GUSA is the best! Finally, I can afford to ask my mom for a spa day. She’s always a sucker for quick, superficial sales,” said Erica Peterson (COL ’19), who has never had to think about money in her life.

GUSA has leaked plans to follow up the discount cards with other money-saving services, like free limousine washing, lawyer meet-and-greets, and 10% all investment fund management.