BURLEITH – Hold onto your seats folks, because sources indicate that late Thursday afternoon, Senior Joseph Barnes (COL ’18) officially announced that this year would be the year that he loses his virginity.

“This is it boys,” proclaimed Barnes to a room of acquaintances who were not paying attention. “Victory lap. I can just feel it.”

According to sources close enough to Barnes to be tired of his shit, Barnes has made this claim around this time every year since freshman year. When interviewed, Barnes cited “new back-to-school clothes” and “this sweet pad not too far from campus” as reasons why this year would be different.

“I remember when Barnes bought that box of condoms during NSO. He had so many hopes,” said acquaintance Michaela Gara (NHS ‘18).

At press time, Barnes appears to be putting on cologne.