The Georgetown Heckler

News | October 10, 2017

Jack the Bulldog Retires to Harem of Young Poodle Concubines


Thursday evening, his eminence Jack the Bulldog retired to his harem of young poodle concubines.

“It is our responsibility to ensure that our sovereign, Jack the Bulldog, is sexually satisfied,” said Patrick Cooper (SFS ‘19), a member of the exclusive club the Jack Crew. The Jack Crew is charged with Jack the Bulldog’s daily care, including responsibility for issuing his royal decrees, performing his favorite courtly poetry, and accompanying him on twice daily processions around his kingdom, on which his eminence also relieves himself.

None of the poodles, all bound for life to Jack the Bulldog, were available for comment when The Heckler went to press.

In recent years, a growing number of international human rights groups have condemned the long tradition of poodle concubinage at Georgetown University for the pleasure of their holy ruler and mascot. The practice dates back to the very beginning of the Jack dynasty during the sacred reign of Jack the Bulldog I.

“[The countless human rights groups] always overlook the legacy and social centrality of the poodle harem as an institution to university life,” said Cooper. Few under his majesty Jack the Bulldog’s blessed dominion have questioned the practice.

Long live our four-legged leader!