The Georgetown Heckler

News | October 15, 2017

KROENIG: “You Little Shits Will Never Be Me”


Listen up you pitiful pimply children, you may listen to me and stare upon my visage, but you will NEVER be me. How many books have you written? How many have you edited? I didn’t think so. I’ve have six. Have you even read six books you ignorant nincompoop?

Did you know that I was named one of the most influential people under 40 in D.C. by Washingtonian Magazine? The president has taken notice. Yeah, that’s right. I know three Presidents, my wife and I got together with one the other day for martinis with him and his wife. I’m not even gonna tell you which one, but his name rhymes with Sharak Bobama. Did I mention my wife? Cheerleader and a model. I already knew that, nut you should know that too.

I know I’m a genius. But it gets even better, not only will you never be as smart and accomplished as me, you’ll never look as good as me. As you may have heard from the fawning teens in my introduction to International Relations class, I like the way I look. The Hoya practically wrote a fan-fiction about me a few years back. My brother’s a supermodel; it’s just family greatness.

Can you even pronounce the names of the designer clothes I wear? You probably shop at the goddam Buffalo Exchange. That’s a real nice Rayon-Polyester blend you have there. It’s worth more than you’ll ever be.

When you get done reading this, you’d be stupid to not sign up for my class. It’ll blow your mind in a way only I could ever manage. Look me up on my website, buy my book, and see if a little stardust will rub off on you. And before you go I should just really quickly mention we should bomb the crap out of Iran.