The Georgetown Heckler

News | October 16, 2017

Strict Parenting? CEO of U.S. News And World Report Releases Ranking of His Kids


ARLINGTON – Every parent can be a tiny bit too strict sometimes – it’s natural. The CEO of the internationally acclaimed consumer advice publication U.S. News and World Report just proved he’s no different: this morning he released a comprehensive ranking of his four kids.

“What do the best universities and the best families have in common?” asked Mark Mason, U.S. News’ CEO, “It’s simple: They’re selective.”

Mason went on to explain the complex algorithms and scoring matrices that he uses to evaluate Jessica, Naomi, Fletcher and Billy. In order for the process to be holistic and unbiased, he takes into account many diverse factors, including test scores (SAT and ACT), chore completion, table manners, a personal essay (They choose from 5 prompts), and how much he loves them.

“I will now direct your attention to the green shaded areas of chart C,” said Mason as he explained his methodology in an hour-long press presentation, “Those represent how many vegetables they each ate over the course of a month. I think you can see how badly that hurt little Jessica, age 3, in the final standings, as she is nearly dead last. The real bottom of the barrel, of course, is still Billy, who was cut from middle school soccer early this October. Naomi narrowly beat out Fletcher for the top spot, in large part because – as you can see on chart D – she sabotaged his science fair project. Atta girl.”

At press time, Mason was unable to be reached for comment regarding next week’s big release, a ranking of his ex-wives.