The Georgetown Heckler

News | October 24, 2017

Great Deal! Uber Offering 25% Off Fares for Retrieving Scalp of Lyft Driver


SAN FRANCISCO – In an effort to reverse the tide on company revenue amidst heavy critique from shareholders last quarter, Uber made the announcement earlier today that they will be offering 25% off fares in exchange for the scalp of a Lyft driver.

Lucky for rideshare enthusiasts who always on the go, getting this discount very simple. Next time a rider finds themselves in a Lyft or just see a Lyft driver parked waiting for his next fare, they are encouraged to “simply stab that sucker through the jugular and then cut off his or her scalp with a machete.” Next, the rider will only have to open the Uber app, tap the promotions tab, and select “Scalp Discount.” An Uber driver will be there in a few minutes to pick up the trophy and once the rider’s kill is confirmed, the 25% off coupon will appear automatically in the app’s interface.

At press time, spokespeople for Uber are reportedly crafting a follow-up statement entitled “the sweet, morally justifiable mercy of capitalism.”