The Georgetown Heckler

News | November 5, 2017

Celebrating Lonesome George’s Virginity! A Pure Christian Knight of Chastity Until the End!


Only hath we seen six new years pass round since our hero’s death,

Yet ye sinners hath already forgotten him and returned to lechery.

Thus, I return ye now to that day, upon which we found him dead

In his corral.


Lonesome George they called him;

And yet how lonesome is he now, sinners?!

As he snuggles in the bosom of Abraham?!


At Puerto Ayora they pronounced him dead–

His tired body bereft of being at the breeding center;

But those biologists, heathen men of little faith, had known not that there’d be no breeding…

No procreation from our paragon of purity!

For George would die before he’d betray the Lord,

Safeguarding his sacred tortoise virginity until the end.

With the safekeeping of his scaly, shelled, and eternally pure body

George wrought the end of his race.


Oh, where hath the Pinta tortoises of the Galapagos gone?

They hath died for God willed George’s knightly chastity!

And what of the sins today of the children of man?

Remember George’s knightly chastity, the dryness of his tortoise privates, then follow God’s will!


Repent ye of little merit; Cast out thy lasciviousness and thy lust!

Stripped thou art of any excuse

For the LORD hath given ye a supreme exemplar: this good Christian tortoise! Look to him and be saved!