The Georgetown Heckler

News | November 7, 2017

Area Man Assures Friends Constant Overcompensation Not Caused By Penis Size



Area man Craig Towson would like to make clear that his obnoxious behavior, as phallocentric as it may seem, is in no way linked to his small penis. While sources confirm that his penis is indeed quite unremarkable and in many senses disappointing, his many other insecurities clearly trump this one.

One would only have to catch a glimpse of Towson’s mass consumption of meat products, love of leather jackets, or almost unintelligible forced baritone have been turning women off for years to understand why. But sources indicate that this is not where the bullshit stops. Towson has frequently been spotted wearing his shirts almost all the way unbuttoned, buying drinks for much younger women, and instagramming exclusively mirror selfies have led much of his social circle to assume that Towson is harboring deep-rooted insecurities about his manhood.

Earlier today, however, Towson admitted in a press release that “Yes- I don’t think I’ve ever actually made someone orgasm, but compared to all the other shit I worry about that’s nothing.” He continued “In the long run, having someone laugh at my dick just doesn’t weigh on me as much as you’d think.”

At press time, Towson was spotted preparing to initiate a political debate in the comments section of a friend’s facebook post.