The Georgetown Heckler

News | November 8, 2017

5 Easy Ways to Tell If You’re A Mailman


Have you ever woken up at 4:50 am screeching at the top of your lungs because you can’t for the life of you remember if you’re supposed to be delivering our nation’s mail? Do you frequently black out in public and see paralyzing visions of undelivered packages and envelopes coming to exact their revenge on your miserable soul? If so, you might be a mailman, who delivers the mail. See if any of these telltale signs apply to you:


1) You have accumulated an overwhelming amount of 5 dollar bills from our nation’s grandmothers.

This is an obvious tell. The average American usually has only 2-5 grandmothers, so if you’re receiving an amount of small bills that would be more appropriate for say, an entire group of neighborhoods, this may have been mail you were meant to deliver.


2) An anonymous, deep-voiced man calls you on the telephone every day asking general questions about mail.

Normal, non-mailmen just don’t receive these calls with questions like “How about mail?” or “Mail – what’s the deal!” Non-mailmen simply would not be able to prepare accurate answers to questions like these.


3) You wake up each morning with the distinct taste of envelope sealer on your tongue, surrounded by letters.

We’ve all had rough mornings like this where you’re left wondering, “what the heck happened last night!” However, if it’s happening every morning, perhaps you should be hopping in that strange box-shaped car in your driveway and taking those letters elsewhere.


4) You wear a brown hat.

Okay, admittedly this one isn’t foolproof. But mailmen definitely wear brown hats sometimes, so if you find yourself wearing one it never hurts to do a quick check and make sure that its not part of a complete mailman uniform that you wear when you deliver the mail.


5) You constantly find yourself hurling packages at strangers while yelling “here, take your mail, dummy!”

In other words, you deliver the mail: a classic mailman move.