The Georgetown Heckler

News | November 12, 2017

“There’s No Easy Solution In the Middle East”: Snapple Real Facts Are Getting A Little Too Real


In an effort to engage Americans in international politics, the United Nations and Snapple have teamed up to create a series of limited edition “Real-er Facts” caps that are designed to inform the public on current events. One such cap reads, “There’s no easy solution in the Middle East.” António Guterres, UN Secretary General, stated that the facts are an integral part of raising global awareness because, “the American populace is dumber than fucking rocks.”

UN staff and juice bottlers worldwide have been working day and night to craft the perfect catchy slogans to remind Americans that they don’t exist inside of a vacuum. The facts will first ease people into global relations with sayings like, “Syria is a country in the Middle East that is bordered by Lebanon and Israel.” Later, when the public has a sufficient base of understanding, Snapple hits them with the real facts, so to speak.

Phil Stephamaglopolus, a developer on the team, has a favorite fact: “Remember that movie ‘Blood Diamond’? Yeah, that shit isn’t fiction.” When asked why this fact was so appealing to him, Stephamaglopolus commented, “I really like reminding people that they have a role in how global atrocities play out, even if the closest they get to Africa and the Middle East is a pack of Camel cigarettes.”

In addition to invading everyone’s diet Arnold Palmer, the UN plans to branch out into one-on-one interactions with the public at Snapple retailers, such as 7-eleven. Guterres’ final comment on the issue was, “If juice can’t get Americans to get off their lazy asses and open up their CNN app, then maybe seeing the Secretary General schlepping Snapple and Slim-Jim’s at a convenience store will.”