The Georgetown Heckler

News | November 16, 2017

Stomach Thunderously Demands Tribute



At approximately 4:45 this afternoon, the warlord stomach of student David Michaels (MSB’20) made its desire for tribute known, releasing a loud and lengthy rumble that elicited looks of both disgust and concern from nearby students.

This is not the first time such an event has occurred. In fact, these demands have been a regular part of life for Michaels for as long as he can remember. “You have no idea what it’s like to be a prisoner in your own body,” said Michaels, in a serious whisper. “I’ve tried to cut him off, but he only gets louder and more insistent. No matter how much I give him, he always comes back for more.” Reportedly, the sophomore has to plan his entire schedule around his insatiable authoritarian stomach’s “feeding times,” dropping everything to quell his demands as often as three times a day.

“It’s been this way since he was born,” said Michaels’ mother Pamela. “David’s stomach is a cruel master. He has, on more than one occasion, threatened to shut down all of David’s internal functions, one by one, should David fail to offer regular tribute. I just wish my son could live a normal life, free from the demands of the maniac inside him.”

When asked for comment, Michaels’ stomach had this to say: “I will destroy you from the inside out. You are nothing without me.”

At press time, Michaels’ lawyers are working to reach a peaceable settlement at 2 meals a day to no avail.