Can You Convince Your Jesuit Professor To Give You God’s Hotmail Address?
God doesn’t respond to your prayers, but maybe He’ll respond to your emails.
You want God’s email address so you can ask Him how long you’re supposed to microwave Chef Boyardee ravioli meat for. How do you initially broach this subject with your Jesuit Professor?
- I say, “I was looking to interview an outside expert in the field for this upcoming Theology paper. Know anyone?” and then wink.
- I say, “I would like to shoot God a quick email with some brief questions. What is His address? No, a Google Hangout with the holy spirit is not acceptable.”
Your Jesuit professor is being coy with you. He says “What? I don’t understand. God’s email address? That doesn’t make any sense. Is everything alright?” How do you respond to this charlatan?
- “Suuuure. Riiiiight. I bet you say that to all the students who ask about emailing God.”
- “Look, man, I’m just following the instructions on the Chef Boyardee ravioli box. What do you want from me?”
Your Jesuit Professor gives you God’s Hotmail address. It is “firstname.lastname@example.org” (email@example.com and firstname.lastname@example.org were taken). How do you sign off your first email to God? You want to be professional, but not, like, too professional, you know?
- Warm regards, [your name]
- Amen, [your name]
- Best, [your name]
You have God’s Hotmail address, but now He won’t stop forwarding you articles and adding subject lines like “Interesting…” and “Thought you would appreciate this.” What do you do?
- The next time I am in confession, I bring up this problem with my pastor.
- I reply “UNSUBSCRIBE” to all of God’s emails.
Congratulations! You now have God’s Hotmail address. Just remember: if He ever sends out a mass email, DO NOT click ‘reply all.’