The Georgetown Heckler

News | December 3, 2017

Louisiana Senator John Kennedy Hopes To Live Up To Namesake In All But One Way


CAPITOL HILL – Newly elected Louisiana Senator John Kennedy excitedly bounded up the steps of the Capitol Building on his most-recent visit to the Senate chambers. “I certainly know I’m not the most famous John Kennedy who has served in this building!” he laughed to himself as he passed through the heavily oak-paneled doors that line the Senate breezeway. “But I can’t wait to live up to President Kennedy’s amazing legacy in every way!” He paused. “Okay, almost every way.”

The new Senator Kennedy removed his steel-lined bowler’s cap and continued onto the senate floor, checking his skull to make sure he had not been felled by an assassin’s bullet. “Phew,” he murmured to himself, “Not this time.”

“I mean, no, I’m not a superstitious man in any way,” Kennedy added, unprompted. “But you know, when you have a name like mine, you just want to make sure you’re careful.”

Kennedy waited in line for the chamber’s metal detector. He removed from his pocket a .38 magnum pistol, six sets of brass knuckles, and a map of all grassy knolls in the D.C., Virginia area. “Can’t be too careful,” he said to a smiling security guard as he strolled into the Senate.

Once Kennedy situated himself behind his desk, he promptly hit the Yea button fifteen times in a row. “Well, that’ll take care of the next few votes.” And he immediately retreated to a bullet-proof bubble he’s had installed in the corner of the chamber, directly next to the desk of Democrat Dick Durbin.

“Yeah, this guys an idiot,” Durbin commented. “I think he thinks that his name is some sort of omen that he’s bound to be killed. That’s just not how names work.”

By the end of the voting session, Kennedy had already retreated to the senate coat-check. He handed a young attendant his ticket. The attendant sighed, and produced Kennedy’s steel body suit, with matching neck mesh.

“Some people think this is silly,” Kenned said, while wrapping the mesh around his neck and the base of his skull, “but I for one, will not be made a fool of by fate!”  He placed his steel-lined bowler’s cap on his head gingerly, and proceeded towards the exit of the Capitol. “You know, Kennedy was shot in the head. That’s why I keep my head totally protected.”

Kennedy’s commute home, while only half a mile from the Capitol complex, takes upwards of an hour as Kennedy is sure to avoid any overpasses, large crowds, and of course, schoolbook depositories. “I’ll show them! This John Kennedy will live forever!” he screamed, as he raced home, head tucked beneath the dashboard for protection. “I’ll live forever!”