The Georgetown Heckler

News | December 6, 2017

God Makes Impulse Purchase Of Several Trillion Galaxies



Despite promising Himself that He would be a more responsible spender this holiday season, Our Almighty Heavenly Father conceded this afternoon that he had recently made an impulse purchase of several trillion galaxies at his local Target.

“Ugh,” God told the Heckler, holding His head in His hands, “Where am I going to put all these? This was a mistake. I’m such a sucker for these ‘buy-a-trillion, get-one-free’ deals.”

Citing the star systems’ relatively low price and their potential for multiple uses, God eventually began attempting to justify his clearly unwarranted purchase.

“You go through galaxies pretty quickly, so it’s important to have at least a couple hundred-billion backups at any given time, you know? That’s a legitimate reason to get these, right?” asked the Maker of Heaven and Earth, “I mean, a couple billion galaxies straight-up spontaneously combusted the other day – no idea why. Just a massive ball of fire right now. So it’s not like I’m out there purchasing new constellations willy-nilly! Right? Look… I’m definitely never buying some crap I don’t need on a whim ever again.”

At press time, God admitted that He had just made an additional impulse purchase of 100 quintillion metric tons of space dust.