The Georgetown Heckler

News | December 8, 2017

Just Once Woodchuck Wants To Be Asked How Much Wood He Wants To Chuck



American culture is more celebrity obsessed than ever nowadays, and fame more desirable, but rarely do we think about the toll that fame takes on the famous. Georgetown resident groundhog Nathan Nibblin’ has learned this lesson all too well.

Many Georgetown students remember his timber tossin’ exploits fondly, but Mr. Nibblin’ has a very different view. “It starts out fun, you know, just you and a couple friends launchin’ lumber, but soon it’s every day and you don’t know who you are without it.” But for Georgetown’s favorite marmot, wood-chucking didn’t just take over his life, it ruined it. “Last fall I was going through a grove a day, two on weekends. I would wake up between two rough hewn Frasier Firs that I didn’t remember felling, and that would be a normal Monday for me.” Mr. Nibblin’s heart had long been out of his work by then. Chuckin’ wood had become a means to perpetuate his lifestyle, and he soon began to rely on it even for the simplest of social interactions.

“One day, I finally realized I had to stop when I found myself chucking wood for this group of people,” said Mr. Nibblin’. They were all chanting, you know the usual stuff like ’How much wood can you chuck’, and I just realized that I didn’t know a single one of them. They just wanted the entertainment, they didn’t actually care how lumber I wanted to launch.”

At press time, sources indicate that Mr. Nibblin’ is relocating to a rehabilitation facility in Tucson to get his life back together, free of temptation.