The Georgetown Heckler

News | December 10, 2017

Man Previously Thought To Have Fallen Asleep Snacking Reawakens For One Final Chip



After falling asleep on the couch whilst three-fourths of the way through a bag of spicy jalapeño Lays potato chips, all signs pointed to the fact that senior Joe Bianchi was down for the count. Or so everyone thought. At 1:36 a.m., fellow living room occupants reported that Joe had reawakened for one final chip.

This extraordinary event can be explained by nothing other than pure power of will. “He just arose – like Jesus back from the dead,” explained a shocked friend Evan MacDonald, who by all accounts was still in the room watching TV when Bianchi had his awakening. “And you could just see the delight on his face when he found a full spread of jalapeño chips resting on his chest: a feast for a last supper, ready for immediate consumption.”

But this miracle proved too good to be true, for Bianchi was reportedly down again by 1:38 a.m. “I had hope when I saw him grab for that chip. I wanted to believe he would wake up again, but he never did,” said MacDonald. “I suppose the brightest sparks burn out the fastest. God bless that man.”

At press time, sources indicate that the remaining jalapeño chips currently have a 70% chance of becoming breakfast.