The Georgetown Heckler

News | February 6, 2018

Martian’s Uber About 1 Billion Light Years Away


OUTER SPACE – Following SpaceX’s momentous launch of the Falcon Heavy rocket this afternoon, local Martian Sator Throg announced to his friends that their Uber would be arriving in approximately one billion light years.

“Ugh. I definitely thought about cancelling,” reported Throg, “but the Tesla roadster attached to Earth’s most powerful rocket ever launched was already sent into orbit, so they would have charged a fee. Plus, there’s no telling how soon we’d be able to get another one, so I decided to just suck it up and wait.”

“This afternoon’s events signals the most significant leap forward in interstellar travel to date,” explained SpaceX engineer Mark Cyzinski. “And plus, due to demand there was a 1.5x surge on Throg’s trip, so we’ll make at least twenty dollars on it, maybe even twenty-five for ‘cleaning fees’ if the G-forces are enough to make the riders vomit upon atmospheric reentry.”

At press time, Throg’s Uber driver is planning to spend the entirety of his billion-year journey coming up with intergalactic small talk for when he arrives on Mars.