The Georgetown Heckler

News | February 8, 2018

Jesus Holy Christ, King of Kings, For GUSA President


Politics today have revealed the darkest side of our human nature. The political sphere on all levels is almost irreparably plagued by pride, self-interest, greed, hate, sin – and what’s more, our elected officials seek to drag their loyal constituents into the lowest echelons of hell along with them as they pursue their pagan agendas. We are lost—betrayed and existentially confused. It’s time we demand change starting right here at Georgetown. That is why The Georgetown Heckler‘s Editorial Board is proud to endorse our Lord and Savior, the King of Kings, Jesus H. Christ for GUSA President.

Descended from on high to save us from the on-campus electoral cycle, Jesus Christ is the shining light of righteousness that we have been praying for. He’s not a political insider, but he is inside us all. And that’s not to say Mr. Christ is untested: since original sin, the Son of Man has dedicated his time, effort, resources, life and legacy to saving us from ourselves, and that’s exactly what The Heckler believes he will do as GUSA President.

“I forgive all candidates who seek to run against me, for their intentions are good and just.” proclaimed the Lamb of God.

“But a new dawn has risen, and I will too. I charged humanity with forming its own fate for thousands of years – but regrettably I have come to see this was a failed experiment. The time is nigh to put humanity back on the path to eternal salvation. To quote Psalm 33:22, “Blessed is the [campus] whose [president] is [me], the people whom [I] have chosen [to lead as GUSA president].”

With all this in mind, in addition to the field of demonstrably non-divine candidates in the GUSA Executive race, The Georgetown Heckler’s Editorial Board found the choice simple. Jesus Christ for GUSA President in 2018: he died for your votes.