The Georgetown Heckler

News | February 11, 2018

Anonymous Chupacabra Completely Dominating Google Doc


        ON THE WEB – According to recent insider reports from Intro to Linguistics, Anonymous Chupacabra is completely dominating a presentation group’s Google doc. The source of this information prefers to remain under the alias “Anonymous Liger”, but is confirmed to have legitimate access to the document in question. The group consists of five students, none of whom have claimed the identity of Anonymous Chupacabra, who has been absolutely shredding it since last Sunday.

        Sources reported that sophomore Dean Carlson opened the doc to assert himself by perhaps pasting in the project requirements when he happened upon a complete table of contents, drafts of several sections, and even a preliminary bibliography. No one had passive-aggressively claimed responsibility for this in the chat section, and the culprit remained elusive until Tuesday evening, when a third group member opened the doc for the first time. It was then that Anonymous Chupacabra was caught in the act of dividing speaking roles among the group members. Unnamed, unsummoned, this mysterious presence was typing as though from a page of actual class notes, and moved its hot pink cursor with what could only be considered a sense of higher purpose.

        A full week after the assignment was given and two full days before its due date, the group is completely finished with the project, a state of existence which is surprising and even unsettling for certain among the students. However, Anonymous Chupacabra has yet to reveal his or herself, leaving the class to wait- wondering, wishing-  for a clue as to who this enigmatic character might be. Could they really be among the masses in 9am lecture, just as bleary eyed and hungover as the rest of us—the true Clark Kent of Linguistics?

        Anyone with information pertaining to Anonymous Chupacabra’s identity is encouraged to come forward. Until then—many thanks to you, Anonymous Chupacabra, and your beautiful, unknowable soul. We may never see your face, but you will always have our hearts.