Op Ed: I will hack your dorm lock unless you send me $20,000 in Bitcoin
By Bushrod Washington | October 30, 2022
Dear Georgetown, I’m gonna level with you here, I’m having some money issues and am in dire straits. Since my parents are no longer sending me $2,000 a month to support my lifestyle, I am forced to take drastic measures to ensure I do not starve on the mean streets of Washington DC. It would […]
Government Student’s Well-Rehearsed Point About Iraq War Colonialism Undermined By “Clash Royale” Theme Song Playing Loudly From His iPad
By Tippi Feathers | October 29, 2022
Freshman Thomas Hunt (SFS ‘26) was eager to make a good impression in his IR discussion section, so to prepare, he meticulously researched the wide-ranging impacts of the Iraq War. Unfortunately, he also opened up Clash Royale, to, in his own words, “get into that aggressive headspace.” In an effort to psyche himself up to […]
I Love Civil Liberties So Much I’m Gonna Vote Twice!
By Squiggle Tha Kid | October 28, 2022
So I’ve been hearing a lot about the upcoming elections and have come to understand how critical the 2022 midterms are to ensuring the preservation of the liberties and values I enjoy as an American. I’ve spent countless hours researching the various candidates on my ballot and have greatly enjoyed learning about which candidates will […]
Georgetown Reconciliation Fund Only Slightly Less Timely Than Safety Warnings
By The Reverend Geraldine McCoy | October 27, 2022
Only 3 years after saying they were creating a Fund (2019), 6 Years after students highlighted and protested Georgetown’s appallingly racist history (2016), and 184 years after brutally enslaving and selling human beings to fund a floundering university (1838), the Georgetown Administration has sent an emailing pledging to begin “a new stage in [their] work […]
New MyAccess Portal Upgrade Sends You Straight to Hell if You Try to Add a Class and Drop a Class at the Same Time
By Fortune St. Albans | October 26, 2022
NEW SOUTH – New freshman Hannah McDermont (COL ‘26) was in for a shock this past weekend when her mild attempt to drop one section of Problem of God and, simultaneously, add a different section of Problem of God ended in eternal damnation for the Floridian linguistics major. “I guess I just don’t know what […]
Student Only Studies in Bioethics to Fantasize about Getting Laid on The Second Floor Tables and Tweet Under the Hashtag #DarkAcademia (I’m the Student)
By Duchess Barbara | October 24, 2022
Dear Diary, Today, I went back. I couldn’t help myself. The cedar wood, the oh-so-right cushions that support my body in the perfect way, and the perfectly dimmed lighting just make me feel like I’m waiting to be seen by Mr. Gray. When I ascend the spiral staircase, it’s like I’m entering a portal into […]
Copley Crypt Cult Gets Cryptic About Freshmen Sacrifices: Spooky!
By Henrietta Chesterfield | October 23, 2022
Bats abound, pumpkins aplenty – It’s that time of the year again. That’s right, it is the annual “Sacrifice a Freshman” time from our very own Copley Crypt Cult. One of the many Georgetown traditions celebrated on campus, the Copley Crypt Cult typically picks three freshmen to sacrifice in the month of October in honor […]
Mike Pence Can’t Wait to Sit On John Carroll’s Lap: The Reason May Surprise You!
By Shackleford Hedgecock, Esq. | October 19, 2022
“Some may say that my desire to sit on the statue of Archbishop John Carroll is my way of confronting my fear of intimacy with other men and enjoying a deep cooling sensation,” Pence said. “However, this simply isn’t the case. I admire John Carroll because of his Christian faith and because he was a […]
“I’m Something of a Supersenior Myself,” Leers Thesis Advisor Who Is Trying to Fuck Me, Hard
By Col. Willis Van Devanter | October 17, 2022
So you made the mistake of sticking around Georgetown for another semester, because during your junior year the “global pandemic” happened to “disrupt” your flourishing undergraduate “education.” That’s cool! What a normal, amazing choice you have made for yourself. That also means you have another semester to work on your thesis. Wow! But one thing […]
“Bro she’s mid” says Man Who Would Have Been Pox-Ridden Serf that was Forced to Clean Horse Poop and Died of the Plague 700 Years Ago
By The Reverend Geraldine McCoy | October 12, 2022
Standing alone in the corner of the party with his roommate, Tyler Aswipe (COL ‘24) commented on a few of the female students who were actually socializing with other people. “Nah bro she’s mid” he remarked, blissfully unaware of the more deserved life he would be leading 700 years ago. Called Stable Pox after everyone […]