Blog | The Georgetown Heckler

We have a stat tracker that allows us to see what google searches link to our blog. Here are a few of the best ones we’ve seen so far:

“Mao Zedong is a fag” – Below the belt Falun Gong, below the belt. I’d expect this from Taiwan, but not you.

“Play with my schlong” – I’m glad someone is searching for this. I’m even gladder that this blog comes up in that search.

“Ferrets skate snakes on a plane” – I don’t even know…

“Christa Faust” – Author of Snakes On A Plane: The Novel - see Get This Motherfuckin’ Book On Yo Motherfuckin’ Shelf. I list this one only because I am absolutely convinced that this is Christa Faust googling herself, and that is fucking hilarious.

We have a stat tracker that allows us to see what google searches link to our blog. Here are a few of the best ones we’ve seen so far:

“Mao Zedong is a fag” – Below the belt Falun Gong, below the belt. I’d expect this from Taiwan, but not you.

“Play with my schlong” – I’m glad someone is searching for this. I’m even gladder that this blog comes up in that search.

“Ferrets skate snakes on a plane” – I don’t even know…

“Christa Faust” – Author of Snakes On A Plane: The Novel - see Get This Motherfuckin’ Book On Yo Motherfuckin’ Shelf. I list this one only because I am absolutely convinced that this is Christa Faust googling herself, and that is fucking hilarious.

I fucking hate Carlos Mencia. Every time a commercial for his show comes on, a child dies somewhere in the world. I am more likely to laugh watching C-Span 3 than Mind of Mencia. There is nothing even remotely humorous about listening to a half-German and half-Honduran dickhead yell the word “Beaner.” That’s right, he’s not even Mexican. He is half-German, which explains why he’s an unfunny, racist piece of shit. And don’t give me this bullshit about how he’s “too edgy” for me. I hate that even more. Every time he comes on TV to explain why he’s light-years ahead of the rest of us in his un-PC humor, I uncontrollably punch through my television, which is becoming a rather expensive habit. Carlos Mencia is the least clever, least funny human being on television. I refuse to even use the words “comic” or “comedian” in the same sentence as his name because that would indicate that he makes even the slightest attempts at humor, which he does not. If he really thinks that yelling “dee dee dee” in reference to mentally retarded people is going to trigger the biochemical interaction that causes a rhythmic expulsion of gas known as laughter, he ought to be castrated. I have yet to meet a single person who finds him or his show funny (I puked after watching five minutes of his stand-up special). If anyone knows of anyone, a brother, father, sister, relative of any sort, dog walker, homeless person, anyone at all that finds Carlos Mencia funny please e-mail webmaster@georgetownheckler.com with their name, number, address, sleeping habits, allergies, diseases they are susceptible to, and any other information that might be useful. Let the search begin!

I fucking hate Carlos Mencia. Every time a commercial for his show comes on, a child dies somewhere in the world. I am more likely to laugh watching C-Span 3 than Mind of Mencia. There is nothing even remotely humorous about listening to a half-German and half-Honduran dickhead yell the word “Beaner.” That’s right, he’s not even Mexican. He is half-German, which explains why he’s an unfunny, racist piece of shit. And don’t give me this bullshit about how he’s “too edgy” for me. I hate that even more. Every time he comes on TV to explain why he’s light-years ahead of the rest of us in his un-PC humor, I uncontrollably punch through my television, which is becoming a rather expensive habit. Carlos Mencia is the least clever, least funny human being on television. I refuse to even use the words “comic” or “comedian” in the same sentence as his name because that would indicate that he makes even the slightest attempts at humor, which he does not. If he really thinks that yelling “dee dee dee” in reference to mentally retarded people is going to trigger the biochemical interaction that causes a rhythmic expulsion of gas known as laughter, he ought to be castrated. I have yet to meet a single person who finds him or his show funny (I puked after watching five minutes of his stand-up special). If anyone knows of anyone, a brother, father, sister, relative of any sort, dog walker, homeless person, anyone at all that finds Carlos Mencia funny please e-mail webmaster@georgetownheckler.com with their name, number, address, sleeping habits, allergies, diseases they are susceptible to, and any other information that might be useful. Let the search begin!

First of all, on behalf of the International Killers and Eliminators Association, congratulations on choosing to become a serial killer and thank you for requesting IKEA’s award-winning series “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Serial Killing But Were Advised Against Asking By Your Lawyer.” Everyone here at IKEA is very excited for you and your family. Serial killers have a long and proud history, dating back to the very first serial killer, God who smote the entire villages of Sodom and Gomorrah. Impressed yet? You will be. Other serial killers include Jack the Ripper, who killed hookers (how fun!), David Berkowitz, whose dog told him to kill people (the real sign of a man’s best friend), Hitler, who killed 6 million Jews (dubious but we give him the benefit of the doubt), and even Larry the Cable Guy, who killed laughter. Yes, you’re in good company my friend. You chose wisely.

The first step to becoming a famed serial killer is choosing a name. For a lot of serial killers this is a real stumbling block. Fear not, though, with IKEA’s few simple tips, you’ll be right on your way to making a name for yourself, literally!

Step 1: Choose your favorite board game/pop culture reference/drink
Reporters and detectives love catchy names for serial killers. They’re like a free publicity firm working around the clock just for you. Half of the work is done for you, so you are free to plot your next victim. The only thing you need to do is place the appropriate items, phrases, and/or pictures in order to help guide your trackers to the perfect name. Board games provide interesting and memorable names for a professional such as yourself. For example, Jigsaw from the popular movie “Saw.” You can try other mind numbing games built for losers as well, like Ouija Board, Candy Land, or Clue (how appropriate!). Other fun ways to get attention include using pop culture references in order to allow for simple but humorous puns. For example, imagine decapitating your victims and replacing their heads with Pokemon. You could become the Mew-tilater after the famous Pokemon Mew. Or you could strike only at attractive upper middle class white girls and be the Teeny Bopper Bopper. Or better yet, you could kill your wife and call yourself O.J. After the drink silly.

Step 2: Adjust your killing method
Once you’ve selected your kickass name now you need to adjust your method of forceful euthanasia. For example, Jigsaw used to remove jigsaw puzzle-like pieces from his victims. This is very complicated and requires patience and skill. Instead, try stapling a Ouija Board to each of your victims’ heads. That one’s a little more obvious. I already gave you the Pokemon suggestion and, well, dousing your wife in orange juice is a pretty good way to nail that sweet name. Or, if you’re going for subtlety, leave a picture of the Buffalo Bills running back during the 1973 season.

Step 3: Have fun!
Well this one pretty much explains itself, right Jimmy? Jimmy was my next door neighbor who used to complain about the “ruckus” I made sacrificing stolen Panda bears to the god Ventrus Maximus who demanded rare animal sacrifices from the Bronx Zoo lest I be turned into a flaming pool of monkey urine for eternity. Monkey pee? Monkey do what Ventrus Maximus tells me to do. Now Jimmy just hangs around in my apartment, literally! Don’t forget, the sky’s the limit for us serial killers. Use your imagination and don’t be afraid to be creative. The greatest risk is not taking one. And remember, if they catch you, tell them your dog told you to do it (you can thank David later).

Stay tuned next week for: How to create numerical and literary references as clues designed to baffle the public but slowly come together for one roughneck cop who’s lost his faith in humanity, but still has a heart of gold.

First of all, on behalf of the International Killers and Eliminators Association, congratulations on choosing to become a serial killer and thank you for requesting IKEA’s award-winning series “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Serial Killing But Were Advised Against Asking By Your Lawyer.” Everyone here at IKEA is very excited for you and your family. Serial killers have a long and proud history, dating back to the very first serial killer, God who smote the entire villages of Sodom and Gomorrah. Impressed yet? You will be. Other serial killers include Jack the Ripper, who killed hookers (how fun!), David Berkowitz, whose dog told him to kill people (the real sign of a man’s best friend), Hitler, who killed 6 million Jews (dubious but we give him the benefit of the doubt), and even Larry the Cable Guy, who killed laughter. Yes, you’re in good company my friend. You chose wisely.

The first step to becoming a famed serial killer is choosing a name. For a lot of serial killers this is a real stumbling block. Fear not, though, with IKEA’s few simple tips, you’ll be right on your way to making a name for yourself, literally!

Step 1: Choose your favorite board game/pop culture reference/drink
Reporters and detectives love catchy names for serial killers. They’re like a free publicity firm working around the clock just for you. Half of the work is done for you, so you are free to plot your next victim. The only thing you need to do is place the appropriate items, phrases, and/or pictures in order to help guide your trackers to the perfect name. Board games provide interesting and memorable names for a professional such as yourself. For example, Jigsaw from the popular movie “Saw.” You can try other mind numbing games built for losers as well, like Ouija Board, Candy Land, or Clue (how appropriate!). Other fun ways to get attention include using pop culture references in order to allow for simple but humorous puns. For example, imagine decapitating your victims and replacing their heads with Pokemon. You could become the Mew-tilater after the famous Pokemon Mew. Or you could strike only at attractive upper middle class white girls and be the Teeny Bopper Bopper. Or better yet, you could kill your wife and call yourself O.J. After the drink silly.

Step 2: Adjust your killing method
Once you’ve selected your kickass name now you need to adjust your method of forceful euthanasia. For example, Jigsaw used to remove jigsaw puzzle-like pieces from his victims. This is very complicated and requires patience and skill. Instead, try stapling a Ouija Board to each of your victims’ heads. That one’s a little more obvious. I already gave you the Pokemon suggestion and, well, dousing your wife in orange juice is a pretty good way to nail that sweet name. Or, if you’re going for subtlety, leave a picture of the Buffalo Bills running back during the 1973 season.

Step 3: Have fun!
Well this one pretty much explains itself, right Jimmy? Jimmy was my next door neighbor who used to complain about the “ruckus” I made sacrificing stolen Panda bears to the god Ventrus Maximus who demanded rare animal sacrifices from the Bronx Zoo lest I be turned into a flaming pool of monkey urine for eternity. Monkey pee? Monkey do what Ventrus Maximus tells me to do. Now Jimmy just hangs around in my apartment, literally! Don’t forget, the sky’s the limit for us serial killers. Use your imagination and don’t be afraid to be creative. The greatest risk is not taking one. And remember, if they catch you, tell them your dog told you to do it (you can thank David later).

Stay tuned next week for: How to create numerical and literary references as clues designed to baffle the public but slowly come together for one roughneck cop who’s lost his faith in humanity, but still has a heart of gold.

If I could be serious for a moment, for the past few weeks we have all witnessed the violence in the Middle East escalate. Hundreds of innocent Lebanese and Israelis have died in the violence, not to mention the countless others that have died in the seemingly endless cycle of violence in that part of the world. But on top of all of that, tragedy struck London for the second time in two years, as the Associated Press reported. A guard dog ripped apart a rare collection of teddy bears, including one that Elvis had once briefly owned. I…I don’t even know how such a disaster could happen. It seems as if in this apocalyptic post-9/11 world no one is safe anymore, not even our most sacred teddy bears. If I may suggest it, at 2:55 pm, the time the Associated Press article was filed, if we could all take a moment of silence and remember the lives of these teddy bears. The carnage of 8/2 must never be forgotten. Hundreds of bears were chewed up by Barney the guard dog. “Barney ripped the head off a brown stuffed bear once owned by the young Presley during the attack, leaving fluffy stuffing and bits of bears’ limbs and heads on the museum floor.” Oh the humanity. I think I can still hear the bears screaming for help and the tearing of their seams, white stuffing oozing out and silent tears of our fluffy brethren. Damnit, I’m welling up again. Let us remember Mabel, Bobby, Farry, Mr. Fluffles, Dinky, One-Eyed Jimbo, Mr. Dingles, and the dozens of others who perished, victims of the war on terror. May God have mercy on all our souls.

If I could be serious for a moment, for the past few weeks we have all witnessed the violence in the Middle East escalate. Hundreds of innocent Lebanese and Israelis have died in the violence, not to mention the countless others that have died in the seemingly endless cycle of violence in that part of the world. But on top of all of that, tragedy struck London for the second time in two years, as the Associated Press reported. A guard dog ripped apart a rare collection of teddy bears, including one that Elvis had once briefly owned. I…I don’t even know how such a disaster could happen. It seems as if in this apocalyptic post-9/11 world no one is safe anymore, not even our most sacred teddy bears. If I may suggest it, at 2:55 pm, the time the Associated Press article was filed, if we could all take a moment of silence and remember the lives of these teddy bears. The carnage of 8/2 must never be forgotten. Hundreds of bears were chewed up by Barney the guard dog. “Barney ripped the head off a brown stuffed bear once owned by the young Presley during the attack, leaving fluffy stuffing and bits of bears’ limbs and heads on the museum floor.” Oh the humanity. I think I can still hear the bears screaming for help and the tearing of their seams, white stuffing oozing out and silent tears of our fluffy brethren. Damnit, I’m welling up again. Let us remember Mabel, Bobby, Farry, Mr. Fluffles, Dinky, One-Eyed Jimbo, Mr. Dingles, and the dozens of others who perished, victims of the war on terror. May God have mercy on all our souls.

The LAPD is at it again folks. That corrupt police force has arrested an innocent man and are brutally beating and sodomizing his career. They look at this beautiful man and all they see a batshit insane anti-Semite. But he is so much more than just that. He also makes movies. And, he talks to God. Mel Gibson is arrested and all of a sudden there is a massive, fatal heat wave? Coincidence? I don’t think so. God is angry people. Release him LAPD, or else God is going to smoke him out with this fucking heat wave. Sure he was driving under the influence…the influence of God. God made him do 130 on the highway. And it was God who made him ask the cop if he was Jewish and inform him that “the Jews for every war in the world.” If anyone knows these kinds of things, it’s God. If you disagree, go ahead and take it up with the Big Guy. You want to punish Mel Gibson for delivering God’s holy message? You want to punish Mel Gibson, who spreads the word of God through mildly covert anti-Semitic Jesus porn? That’s fucked up, and I don’t blame God for unleashing his wrath. You smell that? That’s not garbage stewing in the triple-digit degree weather. That’s the smell of God’s anger…and Satan’s taint.

The LAPD is at it again folks. That corrupt police force has arrested an innocent man and are brutally beating and sodomizing his career. They look at this beautiful man and all they see a batshit insane anti-Semite. But he is so much more than just that. He also makes movies. And, he talks to God. Mel Gibson is arrested and all of a sudden there is a massive, fatal heat wave? Coincidence? I don’t think so. God is angry people. Release him LAPD, or else God is going to smoke him out with this fucking heat wave. Sure he was driving under the influence…the influence of God. God made him do 130 on the highway. And it was God who made him ask the cop if he was Jewish and inform him that “the Jews for every war in the world.” If anyone knows these kinds of things, it’s God. If you disagree, go ahead and take it up with the Big Guy. You want to punish Mel Gibson for delivering God’s holy message? You want to punish Mel Gibson, who spreads the word of God through mildly covert anti-Semitic Jesus porn? That’s fucked up, and I don’t blame God for unleashing his wrath. You smell that? That’s not garbage stewing in the triple-digit degree weather. That’s the smell of God’s anger…and Satan’s taint.