As you may have been able to tell from our clip-show-style gay-issue this week, The Onion is now on summer vacation for two weeks. After that, it’ll be a week of special projects. Good news: I get two weeks of paid vacation to myself in NYC. Bad news: no new headlines or article-writing for three weeks. Now let’s get to the embarrassingly bad headlines!
Failing in the first round (Monday 6/23):
- Mugabe’s Dog Certifies Another Election Victory OR Mugabe’s Dog Drops Out Of Presidential Race
- Bush Just Hanging Around Home This Summer After Failing To Get Internship At U.N.
- Man Surprised To Come Across Black-People Version Of Favorite Commercial
- McCain And Obama Locked In Harsh Battle Over Who Is More Civil
- Man With Alzheimer’s Returned Home After Wandering Onto Space Station
- Hot Cuban Band The Castro Brothers To Star In Own Cuba Disney Channel Movie (GROAN)
- Wall Street Tumbles After Pretty Light Turns Off
- OE: In My Day, You Had To Smoke Pot Uphill 15 Miles In The Snow Or Some Shit
- OE: Istanbul Is Beautiful This Time Of History
- OE: Point: I Want A Piece Of That Ass (by a 26-year-old pederast) / Counterpoint: I Want A Piece Of That Ass (by a 12-year-old cannibal)
- MAG: How Often Does Your Pet Pray?
Failing in the second round (Tuesday 6/24):
- America Suffers Through Record Box Office
- Man Walking Onto Web Page Wants To Welcome You
- OE: I Will Pollute This River If It’s The Last Thing I Do
It was a slow week, funny-wise, just days before sweet summer hiatus. Thus, all four of my headlines in the second round went up for a vote to get in the issue. Three failed, and again this week one was picked by the great Chris Karwowski for a Radio News piece.
Articles written this week: I wrote a news story that will not go in this issue because of its similar subject matter to an Al Gore-related story, but it will appear eventually. To give you some perspective on the hiatus, the issue we put together this week will not go on newsstands until July 30.