I have realized that blogging mostly about The Onion is pretty masturbatory. However, there are a few reasons I’m keeping this up:
- I need blog material, and this is close at hand.
- I don’t have the time to comb through stuff I don’t want to read to find interesting stories about Georgetown, and I’m not living there right now so they don’t just come to me.
- Everyone else seems too lazy to post on our blog.
Anyway, a long two-week vacation and special projects week have meant that it’s been a while since the last installment of rejected headlines. This week, following an extra brainstorm session, I read 28 headlines instead of the usual 15.
Failing in the first round (Monday 7/21):
- Dollar General’s Troop Morale Low
- Shark Attacks Sensationalist Media
- Bush Finally Breaks Out Looney Tunes Ties
- West Virginia ‘Doing All The Work’ To Keep Up Pen-Pal Relationship With Western Sahara
- With No Other Options, Man Forced To Create Own Sudoku Puzzle
- Bored Dubai To Build Next Skyscraper Out Of Poor Arabs
- Greatest Generation Buys Greatest CD Set From Infomercial
- Man Survives 14 Hours In Death Valley Without Internet
- Following Controversial Comments, McCain Campaign Drops John McCain From Ticket
- McDonald’s Worried Olympic Sponsorship May Conflict With Its Nonconformist Image
- OE: It Would Have Been A Crime If I Hadn’t Stolen That Rubber Cement (by a third grader)
- OE: It’s In My Heart, I Just Open Up My Mouth And It Happens (by an amateur karaoke singer)
- OE: Those Fajitas Better Come With Taco Bread And Salsa Sauce
- P/CP: Point: My House, My Rules (by a mom), Counterpoint: You Don’t Own My Body (by the house)
- MAG: If We Put These Pictures Of Obama And McCain Next To Each Other, Does It Look Like They’re Kissing?
- MAG: We Imagine An Exclusive Interview With J.D. Salinger
- MAG: 50 Great Ideas That Will Fail To Make It To The Market
- MAG: “You Have To Laugh” And Lots Of Other Bullshit We Put In Steve Carell’s Mouth
- MAG: Our Interview With Junot Díaz: Boring As Hell, And He Seems To Have No Information On What It’s Like To Work With Michael Cera
- MAG: McCain Or Obama? We Help You Cast Your Inconsequential Vote For The One Who Conforms To Your Inane, Misinformed Worldview
Failing in the second round (Tuesday 7/22):
- Area Grandfather, Baby Given Obsolete Palm Pilots
- Conspiracy Theorists: Ted Kennedy Being Killed By More Than One Form Of Cancer
- MAG: Hey There, Is That Picture A Metaphor For America’s Decreased World Power?
- MAG: Hot New Band Vampire Weekend: From Riches To Further Riches
I got four headlines into the paper this week. Two are magazine covers. One is an op-ed one-liner, an item that will be accompanied by a picture and featured on the left-hand column of the front page of the paper and the bottom of the website (we call them “skyboxes”). The last is another skybox (a news one, not an op-ed), that I will be really excited to see in the paper. I’ll just say that it’s terribly morbid and is probably the best Onion headline I’ve written so far.