A Methanes Hiring
A Methane Grins Hi
A Sheathing Miner
A Herniating Hems
A Nightmarish Nee
A Tarnishing Heme
Anemia Thresh Gin
Seaman Hire Thing
Shanghai Enter Mi
A Enema Nigh Shirt
Heather A. Maginnis, the Director of NSO who gave us so much publicity a year or so back, sent us an e-mail today:
Please remove my name from the letters section.
Heather A. Maginnis
Director of New Student Orientation
Assistant Director of Student Programs
Center for Student Programs
316 Leavey Center
Washington, DC 20057
Direct: (202) 687-4505
Center: (202) 687-3704
Fax: (202) 687-8940
We love getting e-mails from Heather! Her e-mail address is “ham.”
This one’s especially funny though because the e-mail was sent at 1:02 p.m., otherwise known as, I’m assuming, company time. And why was she googling herself? Did she send in an application for a new job? Is she vain? Or are administrators just required to waste a certain amount of the university’s money every day? That last one, I’d bet.
Also, the fake letter we wrote was of her asking us to remove information from another fake letter we posted. This is now mind-boggling.
Now, usually I’d get mad about being asked to change names of public-ish figures like Ms. Maginnis, because using them is, you know, protected by the Constitution. However, it has allowed us to use an even better name, Heat Her Mag Innise, and the even even better extended version, Heat Her A., Mag Innise. Enjoy it, Ms. Maginnis! Good luck with the job search!
Note: Heather Maginnis will find this on Google next week when she is supposed to be making O.A. nametags, so her name will also soon be changed in this blog post to Heat Her A., Mag Innise.
…at the Georgetown Heckler, one of dozens of campus knockoffs the paper has spawned.
Hey, Wells Tower, if that is your real name: We’re sick of the smear tactics you and The Washington Post are constantly using against the Heckler. We weren’t “spawned” by The Onion. We were created at Georgetown by the hand of the almighty Catholic God in the image of His own personal humor publication. Playing a bit loose with the word “knockoff,” eh?
Like every other campus publication of note at Georgetown, the Heckler is here to bring you our 212th-annual basketball season preview, only in blog post form. We have the analysis and insight you can’t find anywhere else. First, let’s look at our starting line-up this year:
Georgetown’s original male cheerleader is back for another season of Hoya hoops. Who is Eric Cusimano? You may notice him giving campus tours around in his cheerleading outfit, and you’d be right to think he’s the perfect embodiment of Georgetown: When I was in Winston-Salem, NC for the second round of the 2007 NCAA Tournament, he mentioned to me, without prompt, that he wanted us to beat Boston College because he didn’t get in when he applied there the year before. “I’m not sure I would admit that so freely,” I said, “but how did you get into Georgetown and not Boston College?” “Maybe because my parents both went here,” he answered. With two years of experience under his elastic belt, look for Cusimano to drop a few more girls, obnoxiously yell and beat his chest for no apparent reason more often, and be even more unaware of what’s going on on the court this season.
Verizon Center Court Guy
That guy with the glasses and Georgetown windbreaker who runs the contests on the court during timeouts and half-time may have already killed himself, but if not, look for him to accidentally trip a couple of children during Dress Like a Hoya, ask a couple Jiffy Lube trivia questions that are not the ones displayed on the jumbotron, and secretly give Capitols tickets to a hot girl who chose the letter with no prize in it in StubHub Deal or No Deal.
Don’t get distracted by the babies that are being forced to dance or the adorable toddlers that are dancing poorly. There are only four real contestants: alum with beer who looks like Eugene Mirman, two giant black guys who sit at the end of the courtside seats by the pep band, and Amadou Kilkenny-Diaw’s little brother. The kid is the only one who’s very good, so look at him to clean up this year, though he may win fewer contests because he’s older and less of a novelty. The other three will win some contests, based on their charm alone.
Person in the Jack Suit
As the real mascot has only seemed to get better as he ages, the fake person-in-a-suit mascot has gotten worse. Last year, for some reason, there was a new head that looked like some sort of cat head. Worse, it seemed to change every game early in the year whether the old head or the new one would be worn. Also, the mascot was inexcusably short and reportedly once used pom-poms with the cheerleaders. From what I’ve seen at football games this year, the person isn’t doing anything that offends the tradition of the mascot, except perhaps walking around with pumpkin pie filling staining it at one game; mostly, the mascot has just been boring.
It seems like this Web-log has been doing a lot of coverage of The Hoya lately. And why not? When you’re on the cutting edge of journalism, or are just the only campus publication people think they may have heard of somewhere once before, you’re bound to get a lot of ink spilled about you! Or in this case, Web-ink. Or bink.
Up next from The Hoya’s disorientating Mach-3 rush of cutting-edge news media technology is Hoya on the Go!, their new pod-’cast (they don’t use an exclamation point, as far as I can tell, but they should [take note, Bailey!]). And like most sections of their website, this pod-’cast is secret. Well, maybe it’s not as secret as their secret blogging, but as far as pod-’casts go, it’s a pretty secret. Now let’s review it!
Hoya on the Go! is not one of your “We’re going to discuss something” or “I’m going to present you information” or “We’re going to be at least entertaining” pod-’casts. No! This pod-’cast gives people what they really want: Pod-’cast-ers looking at a copy of The Hoya and reading it to them word for word. I mean, what is this, a state school? We’re not going lower ourselves by reading some newspaper or internet article at Georgetown. We need people to read things to us. This pod-’cast solves that problem.
Two episodes are up so far, and I have to say, cutting the nice intro and outro music from the first episode was a bad call, Hoya. That’s pretty much the only thing I listened to, and I’ve come to expect a lot more from random files hosted on leetmusic.com.
In a terrifying revelation, shocking photos came out today proving that Barack Obama, known as Hussein the Curious Terrorist amongst friends, steals children with a wild glee in his eyes:
As Sean Hannity reported, Obama was also the prime suspect in the disappearance of sexy blond girl Natalie Holloway in Aruba in 2005, who partied so hard she literally died. Obama is reported to have carved a backwards “B” in her face for booyah! his catchphrase when he abducts children, which he shouts before leaping out of the bushes and dazzling them with his oratorical skills. We’ll have more on the story as it unfolds. As usual, trust the Heckler for all your breaking election news coverage.
BREAKING NEWS: JOHN MCCAIN IMPLICATED IN DEATH OF JOHN MCCAIN’S POLITICAL CAREER