Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this weird felt propaganda wall. Sorry, I just came from Russian Foreign Policy. Anyway, the first Heckler issue of the year is going to be up early next week. And we will have a redesigned, hopefully more functional website. I apologize that it will go up right away without interruption, and we will not have to take our site down for four months like The Hoya.
Things have been going strong for The Hoya the past couple weeks in the racism department. But in its soul, something has died. Todd Olson doesn’t get it! The Hoya is a RAUNCHY, IN-YOUR-FACE, UN-PC comedy gift to the world. And if you won’t let them make fun of black people, THEY’RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THEIR JOKES TO ANOTHER HISTORICALLY DISADVANTAGED GROUP. It’s called attitude, and The Hoya has it in spades, unless by spades you mean black staff members.
This week: the disabled! The Ed Board writes a bland editorial in favor of that wheelchair guy suing Mr. Smith’s for allowing him to be a fire hazard and then not. “Big deal.” OH YEAH? Well, you just have to look a little harder, my friend! The title of this story? “Standing With Taylor: Solidarity Counts.” Get it? They can’t stand with the guy in the wheelchair because, by definition, he cannot stand. SATIRE.
Uggggggggh. Seriously, they had to have realized what they did, right? That has to the most inane title for the piece they could come up with. Nobody writes a headline that poorly unless they’re trying to make a joke. Uggggggggh.
While we’re at it, does anyone know this kid? I will withhold vitriol because I’ve really maybe only said a word to him once or twice, but everyone I know who knows him thinks he’s, well, whatever polite word for douche bag exists that I can insert here. And, “I thought he was supposed to graduate last year, isn’t he like 25 by now?” Small sample size, so who knows, he may not be a d-word, whatever. Anyway, the interesting thing is, if you go to his website, it’s pretty much a chronicle of what happens when you’re a rich, well-connected disabled kid.
(See what I did there? I could write for The Hoya!)
Before you leave the site, make sure to donate to his trust fund. Don’t look at me like that! It’s a special needs trust fund. Special needs people need more than one trust fund. That’s why they call it special needs.
Thankfully, we’ve learned from this Hoya article that this guy “has not ruled out pursuing a monetary settlement.” God speed!
And remember, if there’s anything you learn from this courageous individual, it’s that the Hamptons are a very dangerous place. You could jump into a sandbar and come up suing a landbar.
EDIT 9/20: Reader Will Sommer notes that since publishing this article on Friday, The Hoya has changed the title of the article on their site to “Solidarity Counts,” though Will notes “the URL is still standing with Taylor.”
EDIT 9/22: And now they have moved the article to a new URL. It’s true, anonymous commenter, the printed version of the article was entitled “Standing Behind Taylor.” But that’s still pointing out he can’t stand, no?
As always, if the administrator responds, we will post it.
Let’s skip with the pleasantries. A year ago, when the nation was gathering together to celebrate Patriot Day, I sent you a letter about blue cups, blah blah blah. Things didn’t go well last year for the Georgetown University Soft Drink Society (GUSDS). Once again we were turned down for SAC funding, and when you didn’t return my letters about the blue cups, the board began to see me as a weak leader, and a rebel group led by Paul tried to wrest control, in violation of the GUSDS Constitution, the accepted stance of the National Collegiate Soft Drinkers Association, and the good will of soft-drink lovers across the nation’s capital. I was able to keep my position, expel Paul, and force the other insurgents to drive up to his house in Connecticut and hang a white sheet stained with grape juice in the big oak tree in front of his family’s porch.
I am stronger than ever before.
Obviously, you felt some degree of fear in responding to me last year, but please remember that, despite my power as president, I am just a student like anyone else. I noticed that the blue cups quietly returned, and in turn, you have been allowed to keep your job as Beverage Director up to this point.
However, we again have a problem. Every time this year I eat lunch in the “Down Under” section of Leo’s (more commonly known among students as “Leo’s Australia”) at your restaurant called The Diner, which is to say every day I eat lunch, I have yet to see the blue cups. This is an abomination.
And at this point, I’m about ready to call it racism. Just kidding. You assumed I was a black person because I always eat in The Diner when in fact I just like eating unhealthy food and want to be near it at all times. Shame on you. Stop reading The Hoya.
Just bring back the blue cups, no questions asked, and my group will forget the whole thing happened. I assume you like your position as Food and Beverage Manager and would like to continue to manage providing food and beverages to your children. We hope for the same.
Georgetown University Soft Drink Society
I have counted on a few things being constant during my stint at Georgetown: John Thomson III is the basketball coach, chicken fingers are served at Leo’s on Thursday, and The Hoya is protested for doing and publishing things a lot of students find racist. Now, I haven’t always been able to keep my life stabilized on the assumption that I will see chicken fingers on Thursday, but the other two seem pretty solid. So this blog will be on watch all year following The Hoya as it attempts to restrain itself from inevitably publishing the issue that will spur this year’s anti-Hoya-racism protests to break out. Thankfully the Media Board suspended The Hoya’s bid for independence this year, because the Media Board has proven to nurture the kind of journalism from The Hoya the past couple years that results in really nice, full anti-racism protests.
So far, after the first day of classes, The Hoya has officially not been protested yet. Tuesday’s issue, the first of the year, is very careful not to make jokes about “good old vanilla-chocolate swirl interracial fucking.” In fact, they were so careful not to make Jessie Sapp seem light-skinned, they darkened a picture so much that he and much of his surroundings are nearly impossible to make out.
It feels dusty around here. Not because we haven’t posted anything in awhile. It’s Blogger. It just feels so… 2004? Is that even a year? I am not sure that is even a year that exists it was so long ago. We should probably be beaming HD-tweets into your Heckler-branded content reception devices, not hanging around here. I mean, once in awhile, every four months or so, The Hoya will try to launch itself into the blogosphere, and you just feel uncool typing out thousands of words about college homepage websites. Does the blogosphere even exist anymore? Spell check is telling me that is not a word. I can’t be sure.
This blog will be attempted again, though. I can’t promise much, but it will be attempted.
There is also a goal to put an issue out towards the end of the month. You can read that too.
Also, I was heartened to see the lower section of Gaston Hall filled up today for a lecture fund event with comedy writer David Javerbaum. Granted, the event was not called “A Noted Comedy Writer Discusses His Craft.” It was called “Behind the Scenes of ‘The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.’” And it was freshmen’s first opportunity to see a non-NSO speaker in Gaston. But perhaps it is a sign that somewhere on campus, in some dark crevice of social anxiety and Easy Mac, there exists students who have some vague ambition to try their hand, or maybe even hands, at humor writing.
Come visit our table at SAC Fair on Sunday from 12-4 PM (or, if you want, for just a minute or two during that time span) to sign up for our online paper thing and the various advertisers to whom we will sell your e-mail address. We’ll be in Red Square with the other misshapen, pale, non-university-funded student groups. Who knows, maybe we’ll even pass out free GUGS burgers we’ve taken from the GUGS grills across from us!