Blog | The Georgetown Heckler

Last week, Vox Populi beat this blog to the punch reporting on what may be the douchiest posting ever on the SEO job board, unleashing a flood of comments, including one from yours truly.  Now that this kid has been thoroughly chastised, that’s the end of people asking for personal assistants on that job board, right?  Wrong.

Today junior Michael Pfeiffer posted his own position: “Project Assistant and Task Coordinator.”  But don’t be fooled: this is the same exact thing; he even goes on to call it a “personal assistant.”  This can’t be for real, I thought.  This must be a joke.  He must be making fun of the other kid.  He can’t have seen this on Vox Populi and thought, Oh, that’s a great idea! Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem that way:

Job Description

I am a Georgetown Undergraduate student, seeking a mature individual to help me with daily tasks, organization and errands. Hours will vary from 1-2 hours a day, depending on tasks, and should not exceed 6 hours a week. Pay will start at $10/hr, and will increase with experience (normal weekly pay will start at $20-60, $80-300/month). Hours required per week will be flexible and will vary depending on assigned tasks and need. I am very flexible with timing, and because many tasks will be completed independently, you can complete them on your own schedule. However, certain tasks will require my direct input and will be scheduled for a mutually agreeable time. I live a block from the front gates, making this job perfectly suited for a Georgetown student looking for a job with high flexibility. As my personal assistant, you will receive an email each evening with a list of projects for the next day, but all may not need to be completed that day. Certain tasks will occur on a regular schedule, to be set according to your availability (such as dry cleaning and laundry). Each task will include a priority and time estimate. Certain tasks, such as laundry, which involve dead-time during which you can work on other tasks or on independent projects (your own work) will be counted in a discounted manner. A portion of the work should be interesting and engaging (such as correspondence or planning events and logistics), and this is a good opportunity to meet new people.

Job Requirements

Please email a resume (if available) and a brief description of your availability and interest. Preference will be given to a Georgetown student or person who lives near campus. Must be reliable and good communicator (regularly checks email, updates me on the status of tasks or problems, etc.). Should have familiarity with GTD and good with computers (but specialized skills can be taught). Non-smoker preferred. Male and female applicants welcome. Example tasks include: -Manage Email -Drop-off/pick-up dry cleaning -Do Laundry (in townhouse) -File papers -Manage electronic accounts -Input dates into calendar -Shopping and Running Errands -Making orders online -Making appointments and reservations -Making travel arrangements (i.e. taxis, car reservations) -Planning events -Managing written correspondence -Load/Empty dishwasher -Drop-off/pick-up books at library

Michael Pfeiffer is more meticulous, and his writing is obviously that of a junior, as his douchiness is an older, wiser douchiness.

I am seriously considering taking this position.  I can meet new people!  I always feel like I haven’t met enough douches at this school.  Will these douches like me?  Will they take me under their douche wings, teach me the douche way of life, and one day come to consider me one of their own? And “specialized skills can be taught!”  Thanks, missah!  You’s sho’ a real nice boss, helpin’ me with stuff us uneducated folks ain’t be understandin’!

Only problem is, I had to Google “GTD.”  Not sure he’s willing to teach that.  That shit has to be intrinsic.

So do two nearly identical (the market has clearly set the wages for this work at $10-12/hr) posts make a trend?  Are requests for babysitters on the job board going to be pushed aside by a deluge of rich kids looking for personal assistants?  And is that deluge going to set off a douche arms race, a competition to see who can pay their fellow students of modest means the least and to see who can come up with the most degrading tasks for their fellow students to perform?

I, for one, am glad that we can set aside the understated but strong socioeconomic differences among the student body and just go for full-out exploitation of the poor students by the rich students.  Some day soon, not only will poor students be driving rich students to their internships, doing their laundry, and loading their dishwashers, they will also be writing their term papers, putting on their clothes for them, and performing their weekday blowjobs.