Like shooting irony in a barrel, it’s The Hoya Racism Watch!
First of all, I don’t usually read printed copies of newspapers. There’s this thing called the Internet now that’s easier to read. But if I hadn’t today, I would’ve missed these:
What do you do when you can’t sell ad space? Turn your paper into a yearbook. OMG, you guys, keep in touch, remember what we said, we’re gonna be Campus News 4EVA! <3 I love you guys! Newspapers are so much fun! <3 <3 <3 <3 Never forget our blood oath to never do any investigative reporting! <3 <3 <3 <3
I always thought two editorials an issue was way too much for the Ed Board to handle, but apparently this year they’ve convinced whoever is in charge over there to give them another box. They use this box for assigning thumbs to things:
Achoo!: Lauren Johnson, a 12-year-old from Virginia, has been suffering from “machine gun sneezing” for two weeks. The condition causes her to sneeze 12,000 times daily, and has no known remedy. Thumbs Down
Thumbs down?! Christ, Ed Board, do you have no compassion in your hearts? How dare you thumbs-down this poor 12-year-old! She can’t help sneezing that much! If you don’t want to listen to her sneeze, go somewhere else. But don’t pass judgment on this child in your newspaper. That’s just objectively atrocious. Thumbs up, Lauren Johnson, for ignoring these mean girls at the Ed Board. Nobody loves them, so they say nasty things about defenseless children like you. Don’t let them get to you. And you know what? Even if you are able to stop sneezing, keep doing it just to spite The Hoya. In this country, we, except for The Hoya, embrace diversity, and constant-sneezers have just just as much right to the American Dream as non-sneezers and infrequent-sneezers. ACHOO, motherfuckers.
Finally, ladies and gentlemen, let’s discuss this masterpiece: “Turning the Luck Around for Black Cats.”
That’s right folks, The Hoya is covering racial discrimination. And not a moment too soon, I say. It’s finally time to get beyond the April Fools’ Issue and seriously cover the issue of race on campus to… Wait, what? This is about intolerance directed toward black cats? As in, the animal? Holy fucking shit. Irony!
It’s not because people consider the cats frightening, however. Darker cats’ features are harder to make out, making their expressions harder to read, Drummond said. This characteristic makes the animals less attractive to potential buyers.
She said many Hoya writers see a binary opposition between blacks and whites and often offer negative connotations to darker students. Leonard also found that Hoya writers have doubts about poorer students’ levels of domestication
She said many people see a binary opposition between black and white and often offer negative connotations to darker animals. Leonard also found that customers have doubts about shelter animals’ levels of domestication
The Alexandria shelter, as well as the Washington Humane Society, tries to position darker cats in the shelter rooms so that they are well-lit and visible.“We put bright-colored rugs or pillows in their cages so you can see the animal a little better,” Drummond said.
P.S., Georgetown, can we stop doing this shit? Thx. It’s not nice to call Copley a fag. Copley Hall is a person, just like you. Idiots.
I was tipped off today (thanks!), forwarded an e-mail from Vice President Against Student Affairs Todd Olson sent to 25 people whom he considers “student leaders.” That apparently doesn’t include me. Crying rivers over here.
There’s a big revelation in the e-mail: Olson is an “adjunct assistant professor” in the School of Nursing and Health Studies. I’m pretty sure that is the worst possible title a professor can have. He’s not just an adjunct, and he’s not just an assistant, he’s both. And he teaches in… the NHS (you summon your own stereotypes on this one). Olson must have cashed in a bunch of favors to be allowed to teach a real class, then whoever had to give him the job sighed and invented for him the most pathetic position possible. “Adjunct Assistant Professor, School of Nursing and Health Studies.” Amazing. Here’s the e-mail:
Dear Student Leaders,
I’m just writing to let you know about an elective course I’m teaching in Spring 2010. The attached flyer gives you an overview. Last year, it seemed to be a useful course for upperclass students thinking about issues of leadership, involvement, health, and change on campus. Please take a look, and sign up if you’re interested. Please e-mail me if you have questions, and feel free to pass this along to others you know.
Thanks,
Todd Olson
Vice President for Student Affairs
Adjunct Assistant Professor, School of Nursing and Health Studies
This is a useful course, you guys. When you think leadership, what do you think of? Todd Olson, of course. A born leader. If Todd Olson told you to jump off a bridge, would you? Definitely, and you’d be saluting him the whole way down, crying because he has so much gravitas, is such a moving speaker, and is so attractive-looking. This is a hypothetical, though. In real life, Todd Olson would have already jumped off the bridge, leading by example. And also because his life is sad and he wants to commit suicide. But mostly leading by example.
And when you think health, you think Todd Olson. That there is a fine physical specimen. And change? That’s Todd Olson’s middle name. It’s not even capitalized, because that’s how hip Todd Olson is. What, you’re still capitalizing your middle name? Sorry Grandpa, times have changed. Todd Olson is just so fucking in touch with change.
Lastly, let’s not forget involvement. This is the hardest thing of all, and in many ways it can’t be taught. I mean, being in a thing rather than not being in a thing. It’s so hard to grasp. I could teach a whole semester on it and never tease it out, but if anyone can do it, it’s Todd Olson.
Here’s the flier:
Looking for an interesting elective for Spring Semester?
Human Science 205
Group Dynamics in Health Promotion
#16639
Taught by Dr. Todd Olson, Vice President for Student Affairs
and Adjunct Assistant Professor,
School of Nursing and Health Studies
Fridays, 10:15 am to 12:05 pm, 3 credit hours
Open to sophomores and above
Course Description:
This seminar course is offered for 3 credit hours and will examine the role of students’ teamwork, leadership skills, developmental theory and community dynamics to improve the health and well-being of college students. The campus community as the setting in which health promotion takes place will be integrated throughout the course.
The course will feature a high level of discussion and student engagement, and will include case analysis, theory presentations, student-led seminar discussions, and student group projects.
Explore questions like:
What is useful about exploring “the campus community” as a unit of measure in pursuing health promotion efforts? How is a campus community distinct from and similar to other kinds of local and virtual communities?
What theories of leadership provide useful lenses for looking at how individuals can make a difference in health promotion?
What theories are useful in understanding the developmental transitions and tasks faced by college students?
What characterizes a high-performing team and distinguishes it from an average team?
How are teams uniquely situated to address community health issues and engage in health promotion?
Unfortunately, I cannot take the class. I wish I had known “Human Science” was a real department, because it sounds really fake, but if I had known, maybe I would have looked in that section and seen Todd Olson’s glorious name and taken the class. He already gives me a weird look when he sees me on campus (I don’t think it’s just because he’s really awkward, but I’m not sure). I wonder how he would handle me subtly making fun of him the entire class. Dammit, why am I graduating next month?
But thankfully, I can answer (or “explore”) these questions on my own without taking the class:
What is useful about exploring “the campus community” as a unit of measure in pursuing health promotion efforts? How is a campus community distinct from and similar to other kinds of local and virtual communities?
There is nothing useful about using that as a unit of measure any more than asking how much health education you can fit into a meter of community. Because the answer is always 5.44432. 5.44432 health educations per square meter of community, that’s the internationally accepted standard. And a “‘campus community’” is distinct from other local communities in that it is defined by the fact that it includes a campus and distinct from other virtual communities in that it is not a virtual community but rather a thing that actually exists.
What theories of leadership provide useful lenses for looking at how individuals can make a difference in health promotion?
Fascism.
What theories are useful in understanding the developmental transitions and tasks faced by college students?
The one that says trying to force college students not to transition into adults who do adult things like drink alcohol and have sex never works, Todd Olson, you fucking idiot, it’s just annoying and burns through resources.
What characterizes a high-performing team and distinguishes it from an average team?
It does not include Todd Olson. Or anyone else in the Georgetown administration.
How are teams uniquely situated to address community health issues and engage in health promotion?
They can play soccer against them? Like in a tournament? If the team beats all the community health issues in soccer, then all the issues are solved. And there will be trophy ceremony at the end of class, and everyone will get a trophy for beating all the community health issues at soccer. The end. Go Team Olson!
New Heckler issue this week. Watch for it.
Dear suspects in Public Safety Alerts,
Stop ruining stories in the Heckler. We publish stories about the menace of the Cuddler, and he stops, apparently having finally gotten his fill. We allude to the fact that there haven’t been any hate crimes in a couple years, and suddenly there are two recent ones. Don’t you have any sympathy for your victims, the campus’s beleaguered satirists? Scum! Commit the crimes we say you commit.
What have we learned from the past two “bias-related assualts”? This World Series is tearing apart our community and generating untold hostility toward our gay-appearing population. The first suspect is a Yankees fan, according to his hat, and according to the second suspect’s red-and-white face paint, he is a Phillies fan. It’s obvious that this World Series is unnatural and against God’s will. At first it may seem like just a coincidence, a bi-product of emasculated angst following sports game losses for two contingents of fans both replete with East Coast goons. But soon, we’re going to be beset by toads, locusts, and a series of increasingly apocalyptic natural disasters.
Why? Well, obviously, the Detroit Tigers, America’s heroes, were meant to win this World Series for the virtuous but hard-pressed citizens of the Motor City and its diaspora. Unfortunately, the ump missed a hit-by-pitch call with the bases loaded in the Tigers’ one-game playoff with the Minnesota Twins. So we must all die now, the gay-looking among us first.
THIS WAS THE TIGERS’ YEAR!
The Department of Public Safety would like to remind all students to practice the following security measures:
1. On campus students should call DPS at 202-687-4343 regarding any safety concerns.
2. Off campus students with immediate safety concerns should call MPD at 911 and DPS at 687-HELP.
3. All students should smear blood above their house or apartment’s front door or the whiteboard of the door to their dorm room to ensure that their first-born son is not killed by an angel of the Lord.
