Dear suspects in Public Safety Alerts,
Stop ruining stories in the Heckler. We publish stories about the menace of the Cuddler, and he stops, apparently having finally gotten his fill. We allude to the fact that there haven’t been any hate crimes in a couple years, and suddenly there are two recent ones. Don’t you have any sympathy for your victims, the campus’s beleaguered satirists? Scum! Commit the crimes we say you commit.
What have we learned from the past two “bias-related assualts”? This World Series is tearing apart our community and generating untold hostility toward our gay-appearing population. The first suspect is a Yankees fan, according to his hat, and according to the second suspect’s red-and-white face paint, he is a Phillies fan. It’s obvious that this World Series is unnatural and against God’s will. At first it may seem like just a coincidence, a bi-product of emasculated angst following sports game losses for two contingents of fans both replete with East Coast goons. But soon, we’re going to be beset by toads, locusts, and a series of increasingly apocalyptic natural disasters.
Why? Well, obviously, the Detroit Tigers, America’s heroes, were meant to win this World Series for the virtuous but hard-pressed citizens of the Motor City and its diaspora. Unfortunately, the ump missed a hit-by-pitch call with the bases loaded in the Tigers’ one-game playoff with the Minnesota Twins. So we must all die now, the gay-looking among us first.
THIS WAS THE TIGERS’ YEAR!
The Department of Public Safety would like to remind all students to practice the following security measures:
1. On campus students should call DPS at 202-687-4343 regarding any safety concerns.
2. Off campus students with immediate safety concerns should call MPD at 911 and DPS at 687-HELP.
3. All students should smear blood above their house or apartment’s front door or the whiteboard of the door to their dorm room to ensure that their first-born son is not killed by an angel of the Lord.
