Whoops, I was supposed to blog here or something?
Well, guess what, guys? I wasn’t sure I should have put up a third digit on the big board when I made that graphic, but here we are, about to hit the big 1-0-0! What a fantastic day for college journalism at Georgetown that will be!
But sadly, I’m graduating next week and will no longer be editor of the Heckler. What will happen now? Well, I don’t know what will happen now. We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn’t matter with me now, because I’ve been to the mountaintop.
And I don’t mind.
Like anybody, I would like to live a long collegiate life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land! We will see The Hoya do something racist! And we, as a people, will protest their hateful ignorance, and we, as a college humor rag, will make fun of The Hoya! I HAVE A DREAM, GOD DAMNIT!
Back to the matter at hand: our favorite newspaper of record has hit tough times and apparently merged with the Rugby Times, a publication that covers similar issues as The Hoya, like how the “tie and vest make it holiday dinner appropriate and the rugged, casual shirt gives it an edge—your edge.”
You know, douche issues. Like how following the Rugby Times‘ exact instructions on how to dress is not an edge created by the Rugby Times, but rather your edge.
At first I thought the Rugby Times was just an advertising supplement to The Hoya. But that’s impossible. Newspapers and magazines do not ethically run long advertisement sections like this without alerting the reader on every page that it is a “SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION.” Even very, very respectable publications like Maxim and FHM do this. So, obviously, since the people at The Hoya are so in tune with journalistic standards (like making sure to put in large text ads thanking the layout team on their good work this year), they would have put a disclaimer at least somewhere letting us know this is a special advertising section, not their regular newspaper. Oh wait, I found a disclaimer on page 22:
Descriptive details featured may change after going to press.
Got it! This is not a special advertising section! This is the Rugby Times, part of the new Georgetown University Hoya-Rugby Times, and facts reported can change after they go to press!
The fact is, though, this is not an even merger. The Rugby Times, despite not having its stories on the cover quite yet, makes up the bulk of the newspaper. The Rugby Times is 24 pages long, while the regular Hoya news and sports sections are only 10 pages. Even adding in the other section, The Decade in Review, the non-fashion part still takes up fewer pages than the Rugby Times, which is also about twice as heavy as the rest of the paper.
Also, the Rugby Times needs to back off ‘cuz it’s getting dangerously close to the Heckler’s font!
But what about race? First, the Rugby Times has brought some much-needed racial diversity to this merger. Rugby Times staffers include this black guy:
And this—what, black? Native American? Maori girl?
It also has scary pictures of this ginger:
And most heartwarming is the black guy, the only African-American in this issue of the Hoya-Rugby Times who is not on a basketball team or an Obama, has come together with another white douche-looking guy to play foosball!
If you’re wondering, the reporter says his navy/green tartan wool jacket is $398, his cream cotton rugby is $98, his cotton slim-fit pant in red tartan is $148, and his navy/gold silk bow tie is $49.50. So that’s the price of diversity at The Hoya: just $693.50, or almost $200 more than I have in my bank account right now!
Sadly, true equality is still out of reach. Look at the skin of the privileged people wearing top hats:
When is the day we will see a black individual in a stupid top hat in the pages of the Hoya-Rugby Times, our grand old newspaper of record? Who knows. Who knows.
P.S. New issue of the Heckler in the next few days, my final as editor.
P.P.S. Look, you can be a youthful “weekend rebel!” Cost of buying the clothes that make you a rebel: only a little over $1000!