A new shirt from The Heckler.
Let the rumors cease, The Georgetown Heckler and Heckler Blog are back in all of their half assed glory. Our fearless leader Jack Stuef has ridden off into the sunset, but the show goes on. The fine people of Georgetown need their dick jokes, and though the winds of change blow hard against our cheeks, we stand erect, ready to face these challenges head on.
The Blog will mostly be updated by me, Ankit Goyal, while Dan will be taking over as Editor-in-Chief. Expect more of the same hard-hitting analysis, badly photoshopped pictures of Georgetown administrators, and whatever else I feel like writing about in order to pass the time between masturbation sessions.
New issue should be out in a week.
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this weird felt propaganda wall. Sorry, I just came from Russian Foreign Policy. Anyway, the first Heckler issue of the year is going to be up early next week. And we will have a redesigned, hopefully more functional website. I apologize that it will go up right away without interruption, and we will not have to take our site down for four months like The Hoya.
As always, if the administrator responds, we will post it.
Let’s skip with the pleasantries. A year ago, when the nation was gathering together to celebrate Patriot Day, I sent you a letter about blue cups, blah blah blah. Things didn’t go well last year for the Georgetown University Soft Drink Society (GUSDS). Once again we were turned down for SAC funding, and when you didn’t return my letters about the blue cups, the board began to see me as a weak leader, and a rebel group led by Paul tried to wrest control, in violation of the GUSDS Constitution, the accepted stance of the National Collegiate Soft Drinkers Association, and the good will of soft-drink lovers across the nation’s capital. I was able to keep my position, expel Paul, and force the other insurgents to drive up to his house in Connecticut and hang a white sheet stained with grape juice in the big oak tree in front of his family’s porch.
I am stronger than ever before.
Obviously, you felt some degree of fear in responding to me last year, but please remember that, despite my power as president, I am just a student like anyone else. I noticed that the blue cups quietly returned, and in turn, you have been allowed to keep your job as Beverage Director up to this point.
However, we again have a problem. Every time this year I eat lunch in the “Down Under” section of Leo’s (more commonly known among students as “Leo’s Australia”) at your restaurant called The Diner, which is to say every day I eat lunch, I have yet to see the blue cups. This is an abomination.
And at this point, I’m about ready to call it racism. Just kidding. You assumed I was a black person because I always eat in The Diner when in fact I just like eating unhealthy food and want to be near it at all times. Shame on you. Stop reading The Hoya.
Just bring back the blue cups, no questions asked, and my group will forget the whole thing happened. I assume you like your position as Food and Beverage Manager and would like to continue to manage providing food and beverages to your children. We hope for the same.
Georgetown University Soft Drink Society
It feels dusty around here. Not because we haven’t posted anything in awhile. It’s Blogger. It just feels so… 2004? Is that even a year? I am not sure that is even a year that exists it was so long ago. We should probably be beaming HD-tweets into your Heckler-branded content reception devices, not hanging around here. I mean, once in awhile, every four months or so, The Hoya will try to launch itself into the blogosphere, and you just feel uncool typing out thousands of words about college homepage websites. Does the blogosphere even exist anymore? Spell check is telling me that is not a word. I can’t be sure.
This blog will be attempted again, though. I can’t promise much, but it will be attempted.
There is also a goal to put an issue out towards the end of the month. You can read that too.
Also, I was heartened to see the lower section of Gaston Hall filled up today for a lecture fund event with comedy writer David Javerbaum. Granted, the event was not called “A Noted Comedy Writer Discusses His Craft.” It was called “Behind the Scenes of ‘The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.’” And it was freshmen’s first opportunity to see a non-NSO speaker in Gaston. But perhaps it is a sign that somewhere on campus, in some dark crevice of social anxiety and Easy Mac, there exists students who have some vague ambition to try their hand, or maybe even hands, at humor writing.
Come visit our table at SAC Fair on Sunday from 12-4 PM (or, if you want, for just a minute or two during that time span) to sign up for our online paper thing and the various advertisers to whom we will sell your e-mail address. We’ll be in Red Square with the other misshapen, pale, non-university-funded student groups. Who knows, maybe we’ll even pass out free GUGS burgers we’ve taken from the GUGS grills across from us!
Not that we really blogged about anything last summer. It was mostly just Jack Stuef writing boring updates of his writing fellowship and copy-and-pasting rejected Onion headlines. If you want to read more about his boring life and the occasional rejected Onion headline he deems fit for the world, follow him on Twitter. In an incredible accomplishment not befitting a scarcely published, constantly on the brink of death, narrowly focused college humor magazine, another of us, just-graduated Heckler editor Jon Rapoport, got this summer’s writing fellow job at The Onion. He’s probably not going to be writing a diary of his magic Onion journey on here, but we just wanted to brag. Seriously, there are much more established, better run, and university-supported humor mags out there. We should not be the one producing the best writers.
If you want, you can take a look through our archives. A lot of the links don’t work anymore, so we have obviously won our wars with The Hoya and stupid-college-homepage things! We haven’t heard back with the ever-Googling-on-the-job Heather A. Maginnis, but we have taken over her immaculate Google results. Blue cups finally returned to Leo’s. And John Q Pierce remains at large, though we’ve won his Google results as well. There you go, closure.
In closing, the federal government apparently considers both the Heckler and The Hoya (I KNOW!) real campus newspapers.
Now go buy our sandwich. And e-mail us if you have any desire to write for us next year. We’re having a lot of turnover of writers, and well, hopefully, with your help, this thing won’t die out before it sees the new decade.
We’re going to do a THIRD issue this year! Look for it
early next week this Thursdayish DEFINITELY WEDNESDAY 5/6 AT THE LASTEST right here on the Internet.
Also, if anyone has any disgusting remarks about children to share, put them in the comments. I actually don’t have enough time on my hands to come up with these, so I need your help to reach the necessary college humor magazine disgusting-remarks-about-children quota for this month. Thanks.
UPDATE: It’s up.
SPEAKER: PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
OBAMA: Thank you so much. Please, everybody be seated.
Well, to President DeGioia, thank you so much for the gracious introduction, and thanks for bringing your family, including J.T. Appreciate you.
(LAUGHTER AT OBAMA PRETENDING TO APPRECIATE DEGIOIA)
The — we’re going to invite him over to hang out with the girls.
He’s a pretty good-looking young man.
Eww. Eww. Eww. Eww. What does that mean, and why would he want DeGioia’s son to do that to his daughters? I mean, it’s kind of gross that DeGioia even has a son. Some people probably even question if he is the father…
Anyway, I stopped watching the video at this point:
To Georgetown University students, it is great to see you.
(LONG, RAPTUROUS, BOASTFUL APPLAUSE)
Calm the fuck down, people. Your biggest cheer during the speech should not be for yourselves. Uggh, Georgetown.