You can also download our famed New Student Guide here. That’s some good summer reading. PDFs are fun!

If you’d like to be part of the Heckler this year, e-mail us at editor@georgetownheckler.com. It is the best, most getting-laid decision you’ll ever make.

Let the rumors cease, The Georgetown Heckler and Heckler Blog are back in all of their half assed glory. Our fearless leader Jack Stuef has ridden off into the sunset, but the show goes on. The fine people of Georgetown need their dick jokes, and though the winds of change blow hard against our cheeks, we stand erect, ready to face these challenges head on.

The Blog will mostly be updated by me, Ankit Goyal, while Dan will be taking over as Editor-in-Chief. Expect more of the same hard-hitting analysis, badly photoshopped pictures of Georgetown administrators, and whatever else I feel like writing about in order to pass the time between masturbation sessions.

New issue should be out in a week.

Whoops, I was supposed to blog here or something?

Well, guess what, guys? I wasn’t sure I should have put up a third digit on the big board when I made that graphic, but here we are, about to hit the big 1-0-0! What a fantastic day for college journalism at Georgetown that will be!

But sadly, I’m graduating next week and will no longer be editor of the Heckler. What will happen now? Well, I don’t know what will happen now. We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn’t matter with me now, because I’ve been to the mountaintop.

And I don’t mind.

Like anybody, I would like to live a long collegiate life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land! We will see The Hoya do something racist! And we, as a people, will protest their hateful ignorance, and we, as a college humor rag, will make fun of The Hoya!  I HAVE A DREAM, GOD DAMNIT!

Back to the matter at hand: our favorite newspaper of record has hit tough times and apparently merged with the Rugby Times, a publication that covers similar issues as The Hoya, like how the “tie and vest make it holiday dinner appropriate and the rugged, casual shirt gives it an edge—your edge.”

You know, douche issues.  Like how following the Rugby Times‘ exact instructions on how to dress is not an edge created by the Rugby Times, but rather your edge.

At first I thought the Rugby Times was just an advertising supplement to The Hoya. But that’s impossible. Newspapers and magazines do not ethically run long advertisement sections like this without alerting the reader on every page that it is a “SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION.” Even very, very respectable publications like Maxim and FHM do this. So, obviously, since the people at The Hoya are so in tune with journalistic standards (like making sure to put in large text ads thanking the layout team on their good work this year), they would have put a disclaimer at least somewhere letting us know this is a special advertising section, not their regular newspaper. Oh wait, I found a disclaimer on page 22:

Descriptive details featured may change after going to press.

Got it!  This is not a special advertising section!  This is the Rugby Times, part of the new Georgetown University Hoya-Rugby Times, and facts reported can change after they go to press!

The fact is, though, this is not an even merger.  The Rugby Times, despite not having its stories on the cover quite yet, makes up the bulk of the newspaper.  The Rugby Times is 24 pages long, while the regular Hoya news and sports sections are only 10 pages.  Even adding in the other section, The Decade in Review, the non-fashion part still takes up fewer pages than the Rugby Times, which is also about twice as heavy as the rest of the paper.

Also, the Rugby Times needs to back off ‘cuz it’s getting dangerously close to the Heckler’s font!

But what about race?  First, the Rugby Times has brought some much-needed racial diversity to this merger.  Rugby Times staffers include this black guy:

And this—what, black?  Native American?  Maori girl?

It also has scary pictures of this ginger:

And most heartwarming is the black guy, the only African-American in this issue of the Hoya-Rugby Times who is not on a basketball team or an Obama, has come together with another white douche-looking guy to play foosball!

If you’re wondering, the reporter says his navy/green tartan wool jacket is $398, his cream cotton rugby is $98, his cotton slim-fit pant in red tartan is $148, and his navy/gold silk bow tie is $49.50.  So that’s the price of diversity at The Hoya: just $693.50, or almost $200 more than I have in my bank account right now!

Sadly, true equality is still out of reach.  Look at the skin of the privileged people wearing top hats:

When is the day we will see a black individual in a stupid top hat in the pages of the Hoya-Rugby Times, our grand old newspaper of record?  Who knows.  Who knows.

P.S. New issue of the Heckler in the next few days, my final as editor.

P.P.S. Look, you can be a youthful “weekend rebel!”  Cost of buying the clothes that make you a rebel: only a little over $1000!

First of all, I don’t usually read printed copies of newspapers.  There’s this thing called the Internet now that’s easier to read.  But if I hadn’t today, I would’ve missed these:

What do you do when you can’t sell ad space?  Turn your paper into a yearbook.  OMG, you guys, keep in touch, remember what we said, we’re gonna be Campus News 4EVA! <3  I love you guys!  Newspapers are so much fun! <3 <3 <3 <3  Never forget our blood oath to never do any investigative reporting! <3 <3 <3 <3

I always thought two editorials an issue was way too much for the Ed Board to handle, but apparently this year they’ve convinced whoever is in charge over there to give them another box.  They use this box for assigning thumbs to things:

Achoo!: Lauren Johnson, a 12-year-old from Virginia, has been suffering from “machine gun sneezing” for two weeks. The condition causes her to sneeze 12,000 times daily, and has no known remedy. Thumbs Down

Thumbs down?!  Christ, Ed Board, do you have no compassion in your hearts?  How dare you thumbs-down this poor 12-year-old!  She can’t help sneezing that much!  If you don’t want to listen to her sneeze, go somewhere else.  But don’t pass judgment on this child in your newspaper.  That’s just objectively atrocious.  Thumbs up, Lauren Johnson, for ignoring these mean girls at the Ed Board.  Nobody loves them, so they say nasty things about defenseless children like you.  Don’t let them get to you.  And you know what?  Even if you are able to stop sneezing, keep doing it just to spite The Hoya.  In this country, we, except for The Hoya, embrace diversity, and constant-sneezers have just just as much right to the American Dream as non-sneezers and infrequent-sneezers.  ACHOO, motherfuckers.

Finally, ladies and gentlemen, let’s discuss this masterpiece: “Turning the Luck Around for Black Cats.”

That’s right folks, The Hoya is covering racial discrimination.  And not a moment too soon, I say.  It’s finally time to get beyond the April Fools’ Issue and seriously cover the issue of race on campus to… Wait, what?  This is about intolerance directed toward black cats?  As in, the animal?  Holy fucking shit.  Irony!

It’s not because people consider the cats frightening, however. Darker cats’ features are harder to make out, making their expressions harder to read, Drummond said. This characteristic makes the animals less attractive to potential buyers.

She said many Hoya writers see a binary opposition between blacks and whites and often offer negative connotations to darker students. Leonard also found that Hoya writers have doubts about poorer students’ levels of domestication

She said many people see a binary opposition between black and white and often offer negative connotations to darker animals. Leonard also found that customers have doubts about shelter animals’ levels of domestication

The Alexandria shelter, as well as the Washington Humane Society, tries to position darker cats in the shelter rooms so that they are well-lit and visible.

“We put bright-colored rugs or pillows in their cages so you can see the animal a little better,” Drummond said.

P.S., Georgetown, can we stop doing this shit? Thx. It’s not nice to call Copley a fag. Copley Hall is a person, just like you. Idiots.

I was tipped off today (thanks!), forwarded an e-mail from Vice President Against Student Affairs Todd Olson sent to 25 people whom he considers “student leaders.”  That apparently doesn’t include me.  Crying rivers over here.

There’s a big revelation in the e-mail: Olson is an “adjunct assistant professor” in the School of Nursing and Health Studies.  I’m pretty sure that is the worst possible title a professor can have.  He’s not just an adjunct, and he’s not just an assistant, he’s both.  And he teaches in… the NHS (you summon your own stereotypes on this one).  Olson must have cashed in a bunch of favors to be allowed to teach a real class, then whoever had to give him the job sighed and invented for him the most pathetic position possible.  “Adjunct Assistant Professor, School of Nursing and Health Studies.”  Amazing.  Here’s the e-mail:

Dear Student Leaders,

I’m just writing to let you know about an elective course I’m teaching in Spring 2010.  The attached flyer gives you an overview.  Last year, it seemed to be a useful course for upperclass students thinking about issues of leadership, involvement, health, and change on campus.  Please take a look, and sign up if you’re interested.  Please e-mail me if you have questions, and feel free to pass this along to others you know.

Thanks,

Todd Olson
Vice President for Student Affairs
Adjunct Assistant Professor, School of Nursing and Health Studies

This is a useful course, you guys.  When you think leadership, what do you think of?  Todd Olson, of course.  A born leader.  If Todd Olson told you to jump off a bridge, would you?  Definitely, and you’d be saluting him the whole way down, crying because he has so much gravitas, is such a moving speaker, and is so attractive-looking.  This is a hypothetical, though.  In real life, Todd Olson would have already jumped off the bridge, leading by example. And also because his life is sad and he wants to commit suicide. But mostly leading by example.

And when you think health, you think Todd Olson.  That there is a fine physical specimen.  And change?  That’s Todd Olson’s middle name.  It’s not even capitalized, because that’s how hip Todd Olson is.  What, you’re still capitalizing your middle name?  Sorry Grandpa, times have changed.  Todd Olson is just so fucking in touch with change.

Lastly, let’s not forget involvement.  This is the hardest thing of all, and in many ways it can’t be taught.  I mean, being in a thing rather than not being in a thing.  It’s so hard to grasp.  I could teach a whole semester on it and never tease it out, but if anyone can do it, it’s Todd Olson.

Here’s the flier:

Looking for an interesting elective for Spring Semester?

Human Science 205

Group Dynamics in Health Promotion

#16639

Taught by Dr. Todd Olson, Vice President for Student Affairs

and Adjunct Assistant Professor,

School of Nursing and Health Studies

Fridays, 10:15 am to 12:05 pm, 3 credit hours

Open to sophomores and above

Course Description:

This seminar course is offered for 3 credit hours and will examine the role of students’ teamwork, leadership skills, developmental theory and community dynamics to improve the health and well-being of college students.   The campus community as the setting in which health promotion takes place will be integrated throughout the course.

The course will feature a high level of discussion and student engagement, and will include case analysis, theory presentations, student-led seminar discussions, and student group projects.

Explore questions like:

What is useful about exploring “the campus community” as a unit of measure in pursuing health promotion efforts?  How is a campus community distinct from and similar to other kinds of local and virtual communities?

What theories of leadership provide useful lenses for looking at how individuals can make a difference in health promotion?

What theories are useful in understanding the developmental transitions and tasks faced by college students?

What characterizes a high-performing team and distinguishes it from an average team?

How are teams uniquely situated to address community health issues and engage in health promotion?

Unfortunately, I cannot take the class.  I wish I had known “Human Science” was a real department, because it sounds really fake, but if I had known, maybe I would have looked in that section and seen Todd Olson’s glorious name and taken the class.  He already gives me a weird look when he sees me on campus (I don’t think it’s just because he’s really awkward, but I’m not sure).  I wonder how he would handle me subtly making fun of him the entire class.  Dammit, why am I graduating next month?

But thankfully, I can answer (or “explore”) these questions on my own without taking the class:

What is useful about exploring “the campus community” as a unit of measure in pursuing health promotion efforts?  How is a campus community distinct from and similar to other kinds of local and virtual communities?

There is nothing useful about using that as a unit of measure any more than asking how much health education you can fit into a meter of community.  Because the answer is always 5.44432.  5.44432 health educations per square meter of community, that’s the internationally accepted standard.  And a “‘campus community’” is distinct from other local communities in that it is defined by the fact that it includes a campus and distinct from other virtual communities in that it is not a virtual community but rather a thing that actually exists.

What theories of leadership provide useful lenses for looking at how individuals can make a difference in health promotion?

Fascism.

What theories are useful in understanding the developmental transitions and tasks faced by college students?

The one that says trying to force college students not to transition into adults who do adult things like drink alcohol and have sex never works, Todd Olson, you fucking idiot, it’s just annoying and burns through resources.

What characterizes a high-performing team and distinguishes it from an average team?

It does not include Todd Olson.  Or anyone else in the Georgetown administration.

How are teams uniquely situated to address community health issues and engage in health promotion?

They can play soccer against them?  Like in a tournament?  If the team beats all the community health issues in soccer, then all the issues are solved.  And there will be trophy ceremony at the end of class, and everyone will get a trophy for beating all the community health issues at soccer.  The end.  Go Team Olson!

New Heckler issue this week.  Watch for it.