Cafeterias to Begin Serving Asparagus, Students Debate Value of Tip vs. Shaft

In an effort to bolster their cuisine’s nutritional value, officials from the New South and Darnall cafeterias announced today that they would begin serving asparagus at every meal. However, no agreement could be reached as to which part of the vegetable provided the most pleasure to the taste buds.

“The shaft provides the most flavor,” argued graduate student Bernie Lomax. “The best asparagus is the one with a thick, round shaft that barely fits into your mouth. If you can wrap your lips around its shaft and really suck out the flavor, then you’ll really enjoy the vegetable.”

Others, however, expressed their preference for the plant’s tip. “I really like the tip,” said freshman Tom Davenport. “The tip of the asparagus – right around the head – that’s where all the flavor comes from. You really need to sink your teeth into that big, moist tip in order to enjoy asparagus. You need to manipulate the tip with your lips and tongue to really get the full taste,” Davenport continued. “Some people don’t play with the tip and let it go to waste. That’s crazy to me.”

Lomax added some advice for undergraduates not as familiar with Georgetown’s dining services. “If you find an asparagus with a long, thin shaft, don’t put it in your mouth. It’s not worth it. It’s not pleasurable. You want to really look hard and deep for that asparagus with a short, fat shaft. A really thick shaft. Don’t worry about the tip.”

“We will begin serving asparagus at every meal,” said Ray Romano, assistant chef at New South. Romano told The Heckler that he hoped this new service would prevent students from having to blow their wads at places like Dean and Deluca and Safeway. The news was met favorably among students.