Georgetown to Model Southwest Quadrangle after U.S.S. Nebraska

Monday, January 20, 2003
By Sweet Johnny Checkers

Student Body Will Increase By 30,000

Georgetown University released further details on the new Southwest Quadrangle project today, expected to be completed by the beginning of the fall 2003 semester.  Barbara Wagner, Georgetown University Assistant Director for Student Life, excitedly discussed the new plans with Georgetown Heckler reporters yesterday:

“We’ve modeled the new dorm after the living quarters on the USS Nebraska. The US Navy is world renowned for providing its sailors with sturdy beds and efficient community washbasins,” Wagner said. “What we’ve done is combine the no-nonsense stylings of a nuclear submarine with the fun atmosphere of a freshmen dorm.”

The inspiration behind this groundbreaking dorm (the USS Nebraska) is a Trident class nuclear submarine in the US Navy capable of holding up to 24 nuclear ICBMs in its hull. This submarine, considered by many to be the most modern and survivable strategic deterrent in the world, carries a full crew of 165 sailors with a length of 560 feet and a hull diameter of 46 feet.

Wagner stated that the new dorm, “will allow Georgetown University of increase enrollment by 30,000 students without expanding our campus beyond the original perimeter.”

Just like the submarine, dorm beds will be approximately 6’ by 3’ by 2’, stacked eight high to the ceiling. To reach the higher beds, construction workers will install a ladder at the end of each row, allowing for easy access.

Then, as if the ladder wasn’t enough, Georgetown has graciously provided deluxe gray privacy curtains for every bed.

“We realize that Georgetown students come from all over the world and have a very diverse range of needs and interests. The gray curtains should solve any problems that may arise,” added Wagner. In keeping with the naval theme to the Southwest Quadrangle, as many as three bathing areas will be included in the dorm, complete with a showerhead, toilet, and wash bucket.  “All water is collected and recycled, just like on the sub!” boasts a Georgetown brochure for incoming freshmen. Shower time will be limited to five minutes a week per freshman in an effort to cut costs.

Also, the new cafeteria will provide high-density protein gruel to its residents twice a day in 17-minute shifts. Theme nights in the cafeteria will include ‘Kidney Bean and Hard Tack Biscuit’ Wednesdays, and all theme nights will be conducted to the musical stylings of DJ Smooth, a favorite on Georgetown’s WGTB radio.

The revolutionary dorm will give Georgetown University the financial benefits of an added 30,000 students while spending only about 3 cents a day per student. This brilliant planning will allow Georgetown to spend tuition money on other areas of academia, like getting more obscure foreign dignitaries to speak at sold-out Gaston Hall engagements.