Archive for February, 2003

Bush Announces Plan to Explode the Entire Universe

Monday, February 10th, 2003

President Bush announced a new plan yesterday to explode the entire universe, leaving only the continental United States intact. “Operation Git ‘Em” will destroy the entire cosmos because it “harbors terrorists, weapons of mass destruction, and goddamn commie bastards,” said President Bush. “The universe harbors countries full of bastards who want to kill us; nations... »

Esherick Signs 38-Year Contract Extension

Monday, February 10th, 2003

Georgetown University administrators announced that men’s basketball Head Coach Craig Esherick has agreed to terms for a 38-year contract extension. “I’m thrilled that for the rest of my career, I’ll be either turning down or not receiving postseason bids right here at Georgetown,” said the smiling Esherick. “I’ll finally be able to complete my lifelong... »

Hoya Sports Roundup: The Spring in Preview

Monday, February 10th, 2003

Springtime on the Hilltop is approaching, and this time of year is forever associated with the triumph of GU’s athletic squads. Here’s what we can expect this spring from our sports teams…as only The Heckler could tell it. Men’s Basketball This spring March Madness is going to take on a whole new meaning: Everyone on... »

Student Activities Committee Will Not Recognize Pen Fifteen Club

Monday, February 10th, 2003

Georgetown’s Student Activities Commission (SAC) has officially rejected the PEN15 Club’s application seeking official recognition by the University. Because of this rejection, the PEN15 club will be denied a table at the SAC fair, funding from the school, and an office in the Leavey Center. “Georgetown’s SAC is just not ready for a PEN15 of... »

New Study: Philosophy Classes Best Cure For Insomnia

Monday, February 10th, 2003

Georgetown’s Philosophy department is a safe, all-natural sleep-inducer, according to a recent study by Health Education Services (HES). “Sleep loss has become an epidemic at Georgetown, dozens of students come to the HES office every week complaining that they can’t sleep at night…we used to recommend sleeping aids such as Excedrin PM or Nyquil, but... »

OP-ED: This Watch Makes My Face Look Fat

Monday, February 10th, 2003
OP-ED: This Watch Makes My  Face Look Fat

Dear Uncle Pete, Thank you for your generous birthday gift – it was greatly appreciated. However, I feel obliged to inform you that I must return the watch that you gave me because it makes my face look fat. It’s a very nice watch – Tag Heuer®, as you must know, is a quality brand. But... »

Top Ten Movie Titles with a Word Replaced by ‘Vagina’

Monday, February 10th, 2003

1. Vaginas of Thunder 2. Star Trek VI – The Undiscovered Vagina 3. Fried Green Vaginas 4. Indiana Jones and the Vagina of Doom 5. Stop or My Vagina Will Shoot 6. Vaginas of New York 7. Vagina 8. Harry Vagina and the Sorcerer’s Stone 9. The Thin Red Vagina 10. How to Lose a Vagina in Ten Days 11. Three Men and a... »

Connecticut Males Suffer From Testicular Loss

Monday, February 10th, 2003

Recent batches of the Darnall Hall cafeteria’s frozen yogurt are thought to have caused recent cases of testicular loss in male Georgetown students who hail from Connecticut. Clearly, there could be no other explanation. “That fro-yo was just no good,” said Thatcher B. Cuntingham XII of Connecticut (MSB ’04). “I just see no other explanation... »