Archive for February, 2003

Georgetown Remains Open As Apocalypse Nears

Thursday, February 27th, 2003

Despite the recent arrival of the Apocalypse and the virtual destruction of all mankind, University Provost James J. O’Donnell has decided that Georgetown University will remain open for business. “I don’t see why we should cancel classes for a little fire and brimstone,” O’Donnell said. Commuting professors and students expressed anger after calling 687-SNOW to... »

Fox Unleashes New Reality Show 'Joe Terminal Cancer'

Thursday, February 27th, 2003

If you liked Fox’s hit reality show ‘Joe Millionaire,’ then you’ll love what’s in store this fall’s season…‘Joe Terminal Cancer.’ The new series will follow a format similar to ‘Joe Millionaire.’ A group of twenty women will compete for the affection of a lucky bachelor, who will in turn select his bride-to-be after a series... »

A Message from the President

Thursday, February 27th, 2003

To the Georgetown University Community, As you know, in the past eighteen months the University hasn’t done anything to enhance our emergency preparedness. Now, with the recent elevation of the Homeland Security threat level to High Condition (Orange), the University is operating at a decreased level of preparedness. In the event of an emergency in the... »

Dominos to Stop Ejaculating In Students' Pizzas

Thursday, February 27th, 2003

In an unexpected press release, Dominos Pizza announced that it will discontinue its longstanding policy of ejaculating in Georgetown students’ pizzas. Dominos announced its plan to look into the ramifications of its student pizza ejaculation policy after many complains from GU students. After consulting a local marketing research firm, Dominos learned that, in general, people... »

ACLU Defends Troll, Former Occupant of GO-Card Office under Leavey Bridge

Thursday, February 27th, 2003

The Troll that previously lived in the Go Card office under the Leavey Center Bridge is suing Georgetown University. The Troll claims that he was unfairly and maliciously displaced him from his home. ACLU lawyer Roslyn Tilman described the Troll’s plight in a press conference yesterday. “The troll has occupied that space undisturbed for years,”... »

OP-ED: I'm Not Impressed by People with Two First Names

Thursday, February 27th, 2003

To tell you the truth, I’m not particularly impressed by people who have last names that could easily stand in as first names. You know the sort: George Michael, Matt Scott, Brian Nicholas…the list goes on and on. These people are all over the place, flaunting their double first names like there was no tomorrow... »

Top Ten Things to Do On Healy Lawn

Thursday, February 27th, 2003

1. Sacrifice a lamb to the omnipotent Judy Johnson of the Office of Student Conduct 2. Pretend that Lauinger Library is not the ugliest building ever created by mankind 3. Burn Coach Esherick in effigy 4. Pretend like you’re not masturbating as the girls lacrosse team walks home from practice 5. Fall in and out of seizures produced... »

Iraq Accused of Importing Uranium Rods and Poles

Thursday, February 27th, 2003

Chief UN Weapons Inspector Hans Blix announced today that Iraq has been importing uranium rods and poles in an effort to build weapons of mass destruction. “We know that Iraq has tried to acquire a couple of rods recently. A couple of the rods are long and thin, some are shorter and harder. A couple... »