Archive for April, 2003

Baghdad’s Recent Blackout Due To Long Night of Drinking at Local Bar

Sunday, April 6th, 2003

Reports are streaming in from Iraq that Baghdad was blacked out last night. Although preliminary details are hazy, it has been alleged that Baghdad was seen at a bar earlier in the night pounding shots and chasing them with tequila sunrises. Baghdad then mumbled something about ordering Domino’s Chicken Kickers and disappeared. Sources add that... »

Operation Iraqi "Freedom" Halftime Report: Iraq 2, Good Guys 23

Sunday, April 6th, 2003

Since the beginning of time, it has been considered impossible and morally unconscionable to quantify war. However, President Bush set a new precedent during a speech last Tuesday in which he declared, “the scores have been tallied and it appears we are winning the war 23-2…I was hoping for a shut-out but I am... »

Recommended Courses for Fall '03

Sunday, April 6th, 2003

Well it’s that time again – the e-mails and notices are everywhere. It’s time to pre-register for fall classes. But fear not, my dear misguided Hoya; whether you’re an aimless wanderer in the COL, a future investment banker (inheriting your father’s firm of course) in the MSB, a BMW driver hell-bent on global domination... »

Profile: Two-Sport Sensation Mike Sweeney

Sunday, April 6th, 2003
Profile: Two-Sport Sensation Mike Sweeney

Mike Sweeney has captivated Hoya sports fans all year long on both the lacrosse field and the basketball court. “Big Mike,” as he is known around campus, has taken the hilltop by storm with his success with the basketball team and the lacrosse team. At Hoya hoops games, Georgetown fans eagerly cheer “Big Mike, Big... »

Wisemiller’s Sandwiches and You

Sunday, April 6th, 2003

Chicken Madness When someone takes orders for Wisey’s, and you say, “You know what I want, bro: Chicken Madness!” then you’re a giant tool. You most likely listen to Dave Matthews, only drink on the weekends, never tried weed, and wanted to join the Business fraternity, only you weren’t even cool enough for them,... »

STD Haikus

Sunday, April 6th, 2003
STD Haikus

“Gonorrhea” Some call you the clap Hurts to pee when I see ya Damn gonorrhea “Crabs” Wish I didn’t have Pediculosis Pubis There’s bugs in my crotch “Herpes” Itches everywhere Anus, vagina, penis Wish I had valtrax “Syphilis” Got so drunk one night Hooked up with an ugly girl Burning sensation “Genital Warts” Lumps on my ding dong This rash looks so goddamn weird Girlfriend’s gonna yell »

A Message from DPS

Sunday, April 6th, 2003

To: Gustud@georgetown.edu From: Department Of Public Safety Subject: Brutally Violent Mugging At approximately 2:48 AM last Saturday night, fifteen Georgetown students were robbed by what we assume to be one unarmed black man.  Although his race is not known, we suspect he was black…maybe he was a Latino. We would like to stress the fact that it... »

Top Ten Things to Do to The Bum Outside Of Wisemiller’s

Sunday, April 6th, 2003

1. Teach him to say, “On the way back, brotha” in Spanish. 2. Offer him $20 to write your senior thesis (he’ll probably do a better job than you anyway). 3. Give him an IOU and never pay him back. 4. Pull your jacket over your head and run right by him. 5. Explain that you know that... »

Coalition Forces Penetrate Baghdad

Sunday, April 6th, 2003

U.S. and British led coalition forces have begun to penetrate Baghdad in the war to disarm the regime of Saddam Hussein, according to officials at Central Command in Doha, Qatar. “The penetration has begun,” said Brigadier General Vincent Brooks. “We’re going to penetrate hard, fast and deep. They’re really going to feel it as we... »

OP-ED: Art Majors and Football Players Are Losers

Sunday, April 6th, 2003

It recently occurred to me that being an art major at Georgetown is like being a football player at…well, Georgetown. I mean no one comes to Georgetown to be an art major. Let’s be honest, if you were actually any good then you would have gone to some body-odor-ridden artsy school infested with neo-hippies... »