Operation Iraqi "Freedom" Halftime Report: Iraq 2, Good Guys 23

Since the beginning of time, it has been considered impossible and morally unconscionable to quantify war. However, President Bush set a new precedent during a speech last Tuesday in which he declared, “the scores have been tallied and it appears we are winning the war 23-2…I was hoping for a shut-out but I am obviously pleased with the play of our soldiers. USA rules and don’t mess with Texas!”

The Washington Post reported that Bush sported a giant USA foam finger and red, white, and blue face paint during what he called the “halftime report.”

According to ESPN’s Chris Berman, Bush is right on the money. Berman stated that The Coalition of the Willing is blowing out the competition, and “could – go – all – the – way” into downtown Baghdad by mid-April.

When asked to comment on the issue, British Prime Minister Tony Blair said, “let’s just say if this were a game of cricket, I’d bet all my pounds on us.” Does this mean that Blair is a gambler? Is he really to be trusted as an ally? Is his last name a little bit too girly? This has the smell of corruption all over it.

The United Nations, which has been surprisingly quiet while screwing the United States, had little to say about Bush’s “halftime report.” However, a UN spokesman said, “we would like to see the conflict end quickly, but we will not being implementing the mercy rule to speed things up.”

So, USA fans, get ready for the second half of what is sure to be remembered as a definitive victory for the Americans. Check CNN and Fox News for highlights during and after the game.