Former Heckler Writers Have Had Enough

Tuesday, September 9, 2003
By John Kreese

Startling news was made Monday afternoon in Washington, DC that would ultimately determine the future of former, graduated Heckler writers. After nearly two months of horrible luck and depression that ensued since their graduation in May, the former writers for the sometimes popular humor newsletter (who are we kidding, we were neither popular nor funny) collectively decided to have a massive group suicide.

Although a date has not yet been set, “the sooner it happens, the better. We have no jobs or any other reason to continue living”, said Tom Davenport (COL 03) in an interview early Tuesday morning. “Every day is worse than the last; I have so much love to give and nowhere to put it”, added a crying Terry Silver (MSB ‘03). As a former Heckler writer, I, myself have been plagued by a string of bad luck since graduation that includes breaking Corky St. Clair’s windshield, getting fired from a job that was not even on the books, and being forced to apply for jobs that pay an hourly rate, instead of the expected salary of $75,000 per year.

Nonetheless, the means to the end will be a final meeting of the minds in an unspecified location. “We plan on sitting in a circle with our legs crossed, telling jokes until we laugh ourselves to death. I guess we could bore ourselves to death, well whatever comes first. If that doesn’t work we could just ask Corky St. Clair to get naked,” said Robert Duvale, ex-Heckler writer. A date has not yet been set.