Georgetown University No Longer Responsible For Lost or Stolen Virginities
In an emergency press conference held in Gaston Hall on Sunday, Georgetown University administrators officially announced to an audience filled with students, professors, and members of the media that the university will no longer be responsible for lost or stolen virginities. Holding a box labeled “lost and found,” President Jack DeGioia then began to pull out a pair of Keds sneakers, a necklace, a jump rope, and the virginity of Tracy McHendricks (COL ’07). Ms. McHendricks came forward, picked up her lost virginity as President DeGioia announced that it is the last virginity for which the school will maintain responsibility.
Some see this as a move away from the ideal of virginity upon which the university was founded. A university representative stated however that this is far from the truth. “John Carroll stated upon founding this institution that this university shall be operated under the Jesuit ideal, that of a liberal education. In no longer maintaining responsibility for the sex lives of students we have in no way strayed from our mission. And, if it’s any consolation, we will still try our best to protect students from laptop theft and GOCard fraud.”
The announcement was greeted with mixed reactions from the student body. “There is no reason why the administration should be tied up with the sex lives of its students. I look forward to watching every other aspect of the university improve as the school no longer bothers with this issue,” stated one student at no risk of losing his virginity. “I am excited to see the university refocus their efforts on improving the library or the other institutions which define this great place.”
On the other hand, one freshman expressed concern over the change in policy. “My parents sent me here because they didn’t feel I could be trusted with my own virginity. Last weekend, I woke up on 36th street and found my virginity was gone. Now it’s my responsibility to find it? I don’t even know how to use the library yet.”
Despite any opposition to the newly adopted policy, it seems as though this change is now permanent. “Starting this Tuesday, the lost and found will no longer be home to any student’s virginity. It’s time the student body took care of its own virginity,” a university official concluded. Only time will tell if this policy will prove beneficial to the campus community.
