CORP, Medical Center to Open Abortion Clinic
After losing a total shitload of money last year, the Georgetown University Medical Center has teamed up with the Corp (which actually made money last year) to open an abortion clinic. This new venture will serve to bring in revenues to offset the enormous cost of doing whatever that mysterious moneypit does while performing a valuable service to students.
Before I continue, let me dwell on this point: The Corp, run by students perpetually drunk on the job (picture clerks at Vittles on a Saturday night), made more money than the Georgetown University Medical Center, an established institution run by professionals. Absolutely ridiculous.
Medical students and GERMS volunteers will perform the abortions in the new office in the breezeway of the Southwest Quad. Following the theme of Vital Vittles and Movie Mayhem, Baby Buster (or B2 for short) is the likely name. To kick off the opening of the new service, the Corp will have a massive open party where roofiecoladas will be served, and defective condoms will be handed out. Students will no longer have to worry about unwanted pregnancies, and parents won’t have to worry about tuition hikes aimed at offsetting the medical center’s useless drain on university resources.
“Sure, this might go against our core values as a Catholic institution,” President Jack DeGioia stated in a recent interview, “but those business school fellows in the Corp can sure put together one hell of a presentation! Our money problems will be solved. With all the sex had by the lacrostitutes and nursing students and the projected increase in overall sluttiness after the introduction of the clinic, we should be able to make up the deficit and provide financial aid to even our wealthiest students!” The College Republicans responded by writing an unintelligible letter to The Hoya, and H*yas for Choice (also known as the coat hanger club) to finally shut the fuck up. Finally.