Woman Exalts Jesus, Everyday Low Prices

Saturday, January 29, 2005
By Cornelius Salisbury

Durham, N.C. – Durham resident Renee Spence was caught in the crossfire on Sunday when she praised both her lord and savior, Jesus Christ, and her provider of low cost stainless steel tableware, Wal-Mart. Ms. Spence, a devout Christian and longtime member of the First Baptist Church of Durham, again renewed her commitment to Christ and all his good works. She then exited the chapel, immediately crossed the street and entered the nearby Wal-Mart, where she proceeded to renew her commitment to low cost designer sunglasses. “I just think that we can all do something to help the wretched state of this earth”, said Spence. “We just need to have a little faith and – ooh, is that an alarm clock with built in staple gun? Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!” After some duration of time, Ms. Spence’s husband arrived to retriever his wife from the store and return them to church. Ms. Spence appeared disgruntled by this action and fought back, responding that she had solved the Problem of G-d that has plagued man for centuries- “I already figured it out”, she stated, “he likes oyster crackers in his soup. Now get off my back”. Spence’s pastor, understandably concerned by her behavior, asked Spence to return to church and let the congregation pray for her immortal soul. To this, Spence rebutted, “the only things immortal around here are the extreme bargains and exceptional values brought about by a company wrought in the divinity of child labor and heavenly glow of questionable business practices. Praise be to Wal-Mart!” A born-again Christian, Spence has abided by a ridged schedule of retreats and small group meetings for years, only recently logging a poor attendance record. She sighted “family obligations” and “Half price Tupperware Tuesday” as her reasons for not attending, adding that “G-d is forever, but my coupon for cleaning supplies is only valid until Monday”. Continuing her slow slide into the salvationary abyss, Spence snuck out during hymns last week to purchase a new set of pens for her son, Cody. “I feel awful for all kinds of these miscellaneous heathen”, she whispered, glancing around the store at the Wal-Mart shoppers. “Poor bastards are undoubtedly damned to hell for their treacherous ways. They need to open their hearts to Jesus and accept him as their one and only savi-”, at which point Spence saw something shiny and, remembering she needed a new oscillating shower nozzle, wandered off. Spence’s husband, Nicolas Peter Spence, explained how her worship of Wal-Mart came about. “Renee was in Wal-Mart looking for a Baby Jesus manikin to put in the manger the day after Thanksgiving when she saw a leather briefcase for $24.99. A leather briefcase for the low, low price of only $24.99? No company could offer prices that low and turn a profit! So Renee began to believe, and I suspect correctly, that Wal-Mart is touched not just by the cost-cutting sweatshops of Latin America, but by the benevolent hand of the good Lord. And you’ll never convince her otherwise”.