All-Nighter Sparks Love Affair between Student and German Philosopher

When Amy Leland (COL ’08) began her final paper for Introduction to Philosophy last week, she had no idea just how difficult it would be to fill the required 10-12 pages. Leland’s professor asked the class to contemplate, for this third and last essay of the course, the significance of German philosopher Immanuel Kant’s categorical imperatives as they relate to the ideals of resistance to Europe’s absolute monarchies at the end of the eighteenth century.

Leland waited three weeks after receiving the assignment to finally sit down and start typing. She told the Heckler that she had been “bored” with the semester readings on Kant, and that she “hates her professor and all the other students in her class,” and that she wishes she “never went to Georgetown,” and that she feels like she’s “going to have diarrhea” whenever her alarm goes off to wake her for Intro to Philosophy.

At 1am, after fighting through the introduction to her term paper, Amy took an hour break at Midnight Mug to grab her favorite tall skim mocha latté frappuccino with sugar-free orange syrup, whipped cream, and a dash of cinnamon, for some extra energy to make it through the night. Leland had to write the remaining 9.5pgs by 10:15am. The hours passed quickly, and Amy began to grow tired when around 3am she came across a photograph of the late Kant on Google. In her hazy fatigue, Leland became instantly attracted to one of the great minds of the modern philosophical world. All of a sudden Kant’s complicated theories on rational and irrational states of being became quite sexy and the rest of the paper was very easy to write.

The Heckler has since contacted Leland, who now has her dorm room walls plastered with the philosopher’s answers to life’s most pressing questions, as well as nude renditions of Kant as an old man that Amy created during some free time over the weekend. The Intro to Philosophy professor was not so impressed with Lelend’s work, finding it “offensive” for its “first-person sexual references” and the lack of “real, scholarly work” or “any semblance of having attended a single course.”