Feces Recalled Over E. Coli Fears

Wednesday, December 6, 2006
By Otto Foots
Shoppers, desperate for feces, turned instead to shitty products

Shoppers, desperate for feces, turned instead to shitty products

Just weeks after the Food and Drug Administration lifted its warnings on fresh spinach grown in California’s Salinas Valley, a popular brand of human feces made there has been recalled from grocery stores over concerns about E. coli contamination.

The feces may have caused illnesses already in 3 states, but no deaths have been yet reported. The feces scare comes amid other federal warnings that some brands of spinach, lettuce, bottled E. coli juice, and recent shipments of beef could cause grave health risks, including paralysis, respiratory failure, and death.

Empirical Excrement Co., the nation’s third-leading producer of human feces, voluntarily recalled 300,000 bags of feces from stores across the U.S. and Canada.  “We thought with reports of tainted water sprayed on local crops being the cause of that contamination, we should make sure our product was not contaminated with E. coli too.  Surprisingly, it was. So we decided a full recall was the best thing to do at this time.  We will not, however, stop making feces.  This is an isolated incident,” said Dung Wang, president of the company, in a statement Tuesday.

The FDA has alerted consumers not to eat raw, uncooked feces before the administration can be assured that the outbreak has not become more widespread. “We’re in a time of crisis,” said acting commissioner Andrew von Eschenbach.  “We thank the citizens for keeping alert to contaminated feces products, and we thank Empirical for being proactive.  We certainly hope that this will not damage the proud growers of the American human excrement industry, and we hope that all Americans will soon be able to eat feces products without worry of getting sick.”  Federal law does not require feces producers to recall their products when they are found to be contaminated, but depends in such cases on it being done voluntarily.

The recall has had an effect on the university as well.  As a precaution, containers of crumbled feces have been removed from salad bars in Leo O’Donovan Hall and all dining venues across campus.  “No, we aren’t serving that feces anymore.  We want to make sure we don’t serve any bad food,” said Leo’s dining worker Altagracia Sanchez when asked about the removal of the excrement from the hall’s salad bar.  Frequent salad bar visitor Andrea Dodd (NHS ’09) sighed when she saw the notice of the removal posted on the sneeze guard.  “Like, how am I supposed to get my protein now?  Cheese?!” she said.

The recall has also had a crushing effect to another member of the Georgetown community.  Canal Express, a local Chinese restaurant, has seen setbacks because of the recall.  “People not want our food!  We use real [feces], make it taste good [food]!  People not want [feces] now!  Food here, come downstair!” delivery-man Ho Canal said in a telephone conversation yesterday.

It has yet to be seen whether there will be further recalls in the feces industry.  The FDA is to release information on further illnesses from the tainted feces products tomorrow.