Vatican Okays Condoms
On Wednesday, the Vatican reversed decades of official doctrine, and, in a surprise move, approved the use of condoms as “divinely inspired” according to a Vatican spokesman.
The announcement came after an unusual homily the Pope delivered at Mass in St. Paul’s Cathedral on Sunday. According to Cardinal Ian McGodfrey, the Pope spent several minutes discussing the importance of “looking good all over…even the parts only the Lord can see.” He then proceeded to quote what he referred to as “Sexodus” for scriptural backing. McGodfrey said that the congregation was both “shocked and more than a little confused by His Holiness’ remarks.”
According to Cardinal Allen Halsey, the head of the Vatican Assembly on Genital and International Affairs (VAGINA), the Pope had had a divine revelation earlier that day after meeting with his favorite alter boy, Fark Moley. According to Halsey, little Moley arrived outside of Benedict’s door with a shopping bag from the local drug store outside the Vatican. Benedict brought the boy into his study, and seconds later the young boy left, with a Snickers bar in hand.
After several minutes of rather loud grunting and a few isolated yelps, the door of the private study swung open. Standing in the doorway of the study stood Pope Benedict, wearing nothing but a red latex condom.
“Damn, am I looking good, or what?” the Pope is purported to have exclaimed. “Can you honestly believe we’ve outlawed these things for hundreds of years?”
Later, on Monday afternoon, the Vatican held a press conference in which Benedict, still wearing only a condom, said: “I know it [the Bible] says don’t spill your seed and shit, but Christ also died for our sins and wanted us to stop sinning. And it is a sin to not look this good.” When asked if the transmission of HIV and other STDs through unprotected sex that had caused millions of deaths in Africa and around the world because of Vatican refusal to distribute condoms had been a factor in the decision, Benedict paused, and then replied, “Well…no.”