ADVICE: Ask A Drunk Freshman On The Village A Rooftops

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Get a load of these assholes

Dear Drunk Freshman On The Village A Rooftops,
I don’t know what to do with my boyfriend! We’ve been together since junior year in high school, but it’s been real hard lately. He goes to college in the Midwest, and I never get to see him. We decided over the summer that we were going to try to make it work, and he’s staying true to that, but I’m not sure if I can do it anymore. On top of it, I have a crush on a boy who I’m real close to, and he seems to like me too.
— Anxious in Alumni Square

Dear Anxious,
Dude, do they have any clean cups? No? I told you, I think we should have brought our own. Yeah. Well, I guess this one doesn’t look so bad. What?! Hahahahah. My sister got mono once. Yeah. Do they still have beer? Yeah. Nah, but there’s a line, so I guess there must be. Hey, is that Roy Hibbert? Oh. They all look the same. Hah. Hey, what’s Hoya Blue anyway?

Dear Drunk Freshman On The Village A Rooftops,
I’m in a Living-Learning Community. At first I thought it was great, but I’m starting to have problems with my roommate, who is from a country in South Asia. The thing is, he smells. Really bad. It’s a musky smell, so it’s not like body odor. But it really bothers me, and I have been avoiding him as much as possible. He’s started to catch on to my avoidance, and it makes me feel really bad. Should I just respect it as a cultural thing and learn to live with it, or should I try to approach him?
— Nose Nuisance

Dear Nuisance,
Ok, man, we’re going back to Village C. Yeah. Angela said we could pregame in her room. Yeah, Angela down the hall. Yes, that Angela! Who else?! Hah. Yeah, she said her brother bought her some stuff. Ok. Dude, it’s gonna be craaaaaaaazy. Haha. Yeah, our RA was on the rooftops. Haha, yeah. No, he didn’t see me. Hey, did you see that girl that was in that NSO thing?

Dear Drunk Freshman On The Village A Rooftops,
I think I may be pregnant. The thing is, I totally wasn’t expecting it and I don’t even know which one of the guys I hooked up with in the past couple weeks is the father! I really don’t know where to begin with this. Help!
— Confused in Copley

Dear Confused,
Hey, Mike! YEAH! We’re up there! What? Drunk! Hahaha. Yeah. Ok, I gotta go. Haha. Hey! Iiiiiiiiit’s been so long since last I met, lie down forever lie down. Hey have you any money to bet? Lie down forever lie down. Theeeeeeeere goes old Georgetown! Straight for a — GAY! Haha! Hahahahaha! Hah. Ahh, man.