Handicapped Student Joins S.T.A.N.D.

Monday, April 23, 2007
By A Very Innocent Little Bright-Eyed Kitten

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STANDStudents Take Action Now-Darfur (STAND), the Georgetown-founded club that seeks to aid refugees in Sudan, was shocked and dismayed to learn that 500 additional Sudanese people had been brutally murdered last week. The culprit, though originally believed to be the Janjaweed, a paramilitary group responsible for much of the atrocities in Sudan, turned out to be irony.

The irony that killed the refugees was brought about by the entrance of GU student Timothy McNaught-Walker (SFS ‘07) into STAND. McNaught-Walker, who is handicapped because of a vicious masturbation stunt he pulled at age 13, is confined to the use of a wheelchair. Initially confused concerning the irony, he commented, “I was sitting, as always, when suddenly it hit me. I almost jumped out of my chair, but … I didn’t. STAND. Get it?” He then proceeded to chuckle. “Oh irony,” he added.

The Sudanese government has yet to issue a full statement on the tragedy, but Dok Affiti, a spokesman for the government issued a brief statement denying the government’s cooperation with irony. “The government has in no way endorsed what irony has done today, assuming that payment for and equipping irony does not count as endorsement, which it doesn’t. I hope. I have to go now.”

The refugees were found just outside of Khartoum, in a small village, and appeared to have been ravaged by irony. Ironically, the starving villagers appeared to have been murdered on Thanksgiving, a day of feast in America, and killed by stuffing turkey into every one of their orifices. There were no survivors in the village.

STAND spokesman Dan Menkowitz condemned irony’s action saying, “What happened today is truly a tragedy. We are currently doing everything in our power to help these people. We truly empathize with these people as wealthy white college students in America.”

After his official briefing, Menkowitz agreed to an interview, where he elaborated, “You know it’s really hard for these people in Sudan. Most people just ignore them, but that’s what STAND is about. We understand them. I mean, sometimes I’m just starving for a moccha-cappuccino, or just dying to be done with this exam. It’s just like Darfur.”

STAND has already begun a new initiative, Student Take Action Now-Irony (STANI), although the acronym seemed significantly less sensible. “STANI’s first objective will be to kill humor and irony,” the club’s charter states. “No longer will irony ravage the open wounds of tragedies near and far.”

McNaught-Walker has issued a formal apology to the people of Sudan, but has yet to resign from the club. “I think I could do a lot of good for these people,” he said in prepared remarks yesterday. “I cannot just sit by idly while these people suffer.” On an unrelated note, several more refugees were found dead. Irony is suspected.

Sudan is not the first target to be hit by irony. It also struck in the tsunami of last December, when thousands of refugees found themselves dying of thirst, and proponents say that it is “plausible, though unlikely,” that 9/11 may have been caused by Lara Flynn Boyle walking into a Hooters.