President Bush Refuses to Pull Out of Mrs. Bush
President Bush vowed today at a press conference that he would not pull out of his wife Laura Bush, until “the mission is accomplished.”
“There’s a lot of work left to be done,” the President continued, “and pulling out now would be a huge mistake.” The President held the speech to specifically address the concerns of many of his closest advisors that if he didn’t pull out soon he would have “quite a sticky situation in Laura,” said a source close to the President.
There have been many critics of the President’s actions since he “invaded” Laura nearly two weeks ago. “The initial operations went much quicker than we had expected,” said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. “It was too quick really.” Snow added that the initial thrust in Laura was meant to be a “Cock and Awe” campaign, but ended coming short of the “Awe” phase of operations. “However,” continued Snow, “Now that he’s in there, he’s not pulling out until he finishes what he started.”
The President has been quoted in earlier speeches saying that he would “stand up, when my genitalia stand down.”
Battling struggling pole numbers, Mr. Bush said that the original size of the force going in probably should have been bigger, but questioning his “‘little soldier now was useless speculation.”
Mr. Bush has also been trying to counter critics on his intelligence going into Laura. There was rampant speculation in the CIA that there were STDs in Laura, rumors which later turned out to be false. “There are no STDs there, which is a good thing,” the President said on Monday, “Our intelligence was faulty, but we still have to finish the job.”
Vice President Dick, as the President has nicknamed his genitalia, said that he believed that the passion was “in its last throes,” but some senators, especially Democrats, have stated that the President’s penis’s credibility is questionable.
Congress has become concerned that the President has been unable to fulfill his constitutional duties while he is bogged down in Laura, while Mrs. Bush has said that he has not even been able to fulfill his marital duties. Republican senator Arlen Specter said, “It’s about time the President pulled his head out of his ass, and his dick out of Laura.” The President is credited with extreme physical flexibility, despite his often stubborn mental resiliency when it comes to compromising his values.
Mr. Bush has so far refused to set a timetable for his withdrawal, claiming that he will be able to “feel when the job is done.” Many experts are skeptical as to how successful a withdrawal might be, though. According to the Planned Parenthood website, “withdrawal has a 27% chance of failure.”