In Race to Recruit Evil Lecturers, GU Turns to Palpatine

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Emperor Palpatine

CAMPUS — A few weeks ago, Columbia University stunned the world by inviting President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran. Since then, colleges around the country have invited evil leaders from around the globe to speak at their campuses, from Skeletor’s visit to Duke last week to the lecture given at Cornell by Carmen Sandiego. Georgetown, sensing it was falling behind in evilness, has taken action to get a new speaker for Georgetown.

“In the past, our annual People of Evil Number (PEN) was as high as PEN20. Recently, we’ve fallen to substandard numbers ranging from 5 to 6. I think with dramatic action, we can bring ours up to at least PEN15,” said one Georgetown official. “I’d really like PEN15.”

To raise its substandard levels of evilness, Georgetown invited Emperor Palpatine, evil overlord of the Galactic Empire, to speak at Gaston Hall last Friday. President DeGioia prefaced the speech by informing students of the Sith lord’s violations of human rights treaties, intolerance of minorities, and his declaration to “wipe the Jedi off the map.” DeGioia further continued by saying, “Georgetown has 800 alumni who are Jedi. Do you plan on wiping them off the map too?”

The Emperor began his speech responding to the president’s hostile remarks, saying “Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you.” Palpatine proceeded to criticize Israeli policy towards Palestine and to question the historical accuracy of the Holocaust. Blasting U.S. sanctions against the Empire, the Emperor continued to insist on his state’s right to develop Death Star technology for “peaceful purposes.”

In the question and answer session that followed, the Emperor responded to questions about gay rights, saying “In the Empire, we don’t have homosexuals like in your country.” When asked about potential for open and broad discussions with the U.S., Palpatine responded, “Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side.”

Much criticism has arisen over the invitation for Emperor Palpatine to speak at Georgetown. Hansel Solo (MSB ’10) typified concern for the speech, saying “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Admir Ral Ackbar (SFS ’08) showed grave concern, crying, “It’s a trap!” However, some students felt the need for the lecture, citing freedom of speech. Said Yoo Dah (COL ’09), “His speech let the Emperor give. Constitutional right it be.”